Recently came out as a trans woman - AMA

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Hello, all.

So, a lot of people have various opinions about trans issues, but have had relatively few interactions with anyone who identifies as trans, if at all. I’m of the opinion that getting to know people who are members a group is far better than getting a second hand account of said group. Figured I’d offer to answer any questions you might have.

A bit of background:

• Male to Female, for clarity sake.
  
• In my mid-thirties.
  
• Married to my husband for 9 years.
  
• Medically retired vet, getting started on gender affirming care through the VA.

Feel free to ask anything you like. I won’t get offended.

 

I guess my first question would be, wasn't being gay good enough?

 

(((Hugs))). May your journey be a joyful one!

 

Thanks for your question!

It satisfied my romantic and physical attraction to men, but it didn’t do anything to address my gender dysphoria.

 

Thanks! I appreciate it.

 

Hmm.. first world problems. One hopes that after you have done this you might be happy.

 

It very much is a first-world problem. If I was starving or housing insecure, my priorities would likely be different. And thank you for the well wishes. I feel happier having come out and in working towards beginning transition.

 

Is the medical discharge related to the transition? I'm not asking for what it was for if the answer is no.

 

Which brings up another question. What are your husband's feelings on this? I know many spouses still see the person they marry, and have little to no issues, but that isn't all spouses. And feel free to refuse this next one. If your husband still identifies as gay (unless he already identified as bi) are you going for bottom surgery, and does he feel that he can deal with that after you heal?

 

Thank you for your question!

The medical discharge was due to an unrelated medical condition. Lucky for me though, it gives me an in for a whole host of VA medical benefits including gender affirming care, which are surprisingly broad.

 

Great questions.

My husband identifies as gay, so me transitioning does put him in a place where he has to reevaluate things. We’re going to couples counseling to work through it. He’s mentioned in passing some thoughts that suggest he could lean towards pansexuality, which is how I identify, but he’s still fleshing out his feelings on the matter. We’ve also introduced the idea of opening up our relationship or polyamory to address needs that the other may no longer be able to fulfill.

I’ve not settled on if I plan to pursue sexual reassignment surgery. If I did, it would be to address whether changing my secondary sexual characteristics address my gender dysphoria, or if changing primary sexual characteristics would be needed too. Given my dynamic with my husband, I wouldn’t make that decision based on our sexual relationship.

 

I thought you were gay? Were you never gay?

 

Some thoughts from my experience. One can have exceptions to their orientation. I have a sister who has so far has only really been attracted to females. However, she ended up falling in love and marrying my brother (both siblings of my heart and neither of my blood, so relax you all! Plus he's also my brother in DeMolay). She loves him for him and that ends up making her orientation fall to the side...for him. On the plus side, they go out ogling the ladies together, as they have similar tastes. So maybe he doesn't have to worry. He married you. You are still you, regardless of how you present. He can still be gay, and it's alright that you are an exception.

 

They are attracted to men. Whether that is as a man themselves, or as a woman, that attraction has not actually changed, even if the label does.

 

Here's hoping it all works out the way you want it too.

If too personal, I won't press for an answer. How is your care 'gender affirming'? I mean how is it different?

And do you think it should be available to minors, and why?

 

That’s an interesting question.

If we assume I’ve always been a woman, then maybe? But having identified as a man attracted to the masculine form for most of my life it seemed like a natural category to associate with. I’d say now though, my exploration and understanding of gender has lead me towards pansexuality as being a more accurate descriptor. I still very much appreciate the masculine form though.

 

I appreciate this! Truly.

I know we’ll both always love each other, we’ve said as much. We’re open to the idea of needing to expand our sexual horizons. We’re both still figuring that out.

 

It’s important to note that a label can apply regardless of the current relationship status. A bi person doesn’t cease to be bi just because they’re in a heterosexual relationship. Not that I think you need that explained of course; just thought it worth saying.

 

I appreciate the well wishes, and thank you for the question.

Gender affirming care is a pretty wide range of services, the most notable being HRT. There are also services such as voice training, prosthetics like breastplates, and hair removal to name a few.

I think hormone blockers should be available to minors. There are a lot of things that happen in puberty that can be major causes for dysphoria such as the lowering of the voice in males, bone structure formations in the shoulders or hips, or the formation of breasts in females. These secondary sexual characteristics are pretty significant issues for trans youth that can be paused while things are figured out and can help avoid costly surgeries/therapy (voice training as an example) if avoided.

 

I have had plenty of experiences with trans people and they all want you to ignore facts for a matter of opinion. Some will even sue you if you don’t go along with their fairytale

 

Was there a question? This is a good faith offer to answer questions if you have them. I’m sure there are plenty of other threads to debate the topic if that’s what you’re interested in.

 

if you and your spouse are happy with this development, that is all that matters

 

Congratulations on having the courage to be who you really are and best of luck with the challenges to come. Sadly they wil lbe many. I hope you and your partner can make it work.

 

Well I'm a registered Democrat so I guess I just came out too

 

Thanks! I appreciate it.