Mike Gravel is so old his social security number is one Mike Gravel is changing the pronunciation of his name to gravel to show his support for infrastructure. When Bernie Sanders celebrated the 100th anniversary of Nikolai Lenin taking over Russia he said, “It seems like it was just yesterday.” In an effort to win more votes in the south, Bernie Sanders is growing a goatee and opening a chicken franchise. You have to forgive Joe Biden for groping women. Remember when he was a boy men hit women on the head with a club and took them to their caves. Biden first arrived in Washington before half the candidates were born, so he's taking paternity tests to prove he's not running against one of his children. John Hickenlooper wants marijuana legal nationwide. He's had that position since the drug was invented. Hickenlooper's from Denver, where the air is so thin, airhead jokes are not necessary. They describe the whole population. Jay Inslee of Washington state is telling stories about how his uncle founded Washington state as a sanctuary for refugees from Washington, D.C. Jay Inslee is using his name creatively. Elect Jay an' see. Eliizabeth Warren should know whether her family was in the Trail of Tears or not. When she was in school it was still being taught as current events. Elizabeth Warren is calling herself Liz so people will stop confusing her with the Queen of England. Eric Swalwell is so young he doesn't know if he's a girl or a boy. Eric Swalwell's campaign slogan should be All's well with Swalwell. Tulsi Gabbard's biggest problem is convincing people that's not her porn name. Unlike President Obama, Tulsi Gabbard will not have birth certificate issues. She was born in Michigan. Andrew Yang is running into so many problems it looks like he'll be the Yang of President Trump's Yin. Andrew Yang has changed jobs so many times he's running for President for career stability. Julian Castro is running for President because his father Raoul wouldn't let him take over Cuba. Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro has trouble convincing people he was in charge of HUD, not the 80s horror franchise CHUD. Beto O'Rourke can't wait to be President and become Veto O'Rourke. Beto O'rourke ran against Ted Cruz and lost. Ted Cruz ran against President Trump and lost. So he can beat Trump if the election is replaced by a game of rock, paper, scissors. John Delaney is running for President. I just thought somebody should say that aloud. Please elect John Delaney President. Otherwise he may try to get my job. Andrew Messam's name is pronounced mess um, a terrible name for a President, so he's thinking of changing it to Mee sam. Then if he gets anywhere his children will be called son of Mee Sam Messam is from south Florida. Julian Castro is from south Texas. Eric Swalwell is from southern California. As some have said for years, the Democratic Party is going south. Kirsten Gillibrand is pretty...good at presenting her ass...ets to the people and keeping a...breast of political developments. Kirsten Gillibrand wants us to want her for her brain. Cory Booker saved someone from a fire when he was Mayor. Cory Booker is trying to become the first unmarried President since James Buchanan. Buchanan's term ended with the Civil War, so he's pretty sure he can be the best unmarried President ever. BY the way, it's never married, not unmarried. We elected some widowers. Congressman Tim Ryan of Ohio is hoping people will think he's Paul Ryan or Tim Kaine. Congressman Tim Ryan has been elected to Congress 9 times, every 2 years, so he's running for President so he can skip a couple. Kamala Harris has a parent from Jamaica and another from India. So she knows how to live among tourists and beggars. Like most Californians. Even though Kamala Harris is 55 years old she still looks like a beauty pageant contestant. So she's hoping to really confuse the President when they meet for a debate. Marianne Williamson is into positive thinking. Can she make those people at the border think positive thoughts and go home? Marianne Williamson teaches positive thinking. Most of these candidates must have taken her class. Amy Klobuchar is from Minnesota, home of 90-year-old Walter Mondale. She joined the race so someone might win fewer states than he did. It's hard to make jokes about Amy Klobuchar. Her name is funny but not obviously funny. She's pretty, but not too pretty. She's the right age, right experience level, ready to be President. The best we can do is: give her some Amy time. Pete Butigieg is the only person in the country who doesn't want Gillibrand's booty, or does he?
