"Can I get aids from a toilet seat?" The doctor replies, "Yes, but only if you sit down before the last guy gets up." A woman kicks her husband out of the house. On his way out, she says, "Have a miserable life." He stops, turns around, and says, "So now you want me to stay?" A U. S. Senator passes away. At the Pearly Gates, he tells Saint Peter he is ready to go in. St. Peter says, “We have special rules for special people like you. You must spend a day in Heaven and in Hell; then, I’ll send you where you want to stay.” In Heaven, he finds everyone contently floating on clouds while playing the harp. In Hell, he finds his diseased Congressional colleagues partying and drinking the finest champagne while dining on the best caviar and lobster. He parties with them the whole day. Back with St. Peter, the Senator chooses Hell. When he returns to Hell, he finds a wasteland where his colleagues are miserable, wearing rags and picking up garbage as more continually falls from above. The Devil approaches and puts his arm around the Senator, saying, “Welcome to Hell.” The Senator is upset and confused and tells him what he witnessed the previous day in Hell. The Devil explains, “Yesterday, we were campaigning.”
Ok boys this one is for you! A man goes to the doctor and says “I think my wife might be going deaf - how can I test this?” Doctor says “Ask her the same question at varying distances and see how close you ge5 before she answers” So the guy gets home opens the front door yells “Honey what is for dinner?”. No answer He goes into the living room “Honey what is for dinner”? No answer He goes into the dining room “Honey what is for Dinner?” No answer He comes up behind her in the kitchen and says “Honey what is for dinner”? With that she turns around and says “For the fourth time it’s Chicken!”
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool That last one reminded me of a classic Two Ronnies skit - I will see if I can find it
A woman, who is a large donor to a hospital, gets a doctor-guided tour. They are walking down a wing when the woman looks into a room, gasps, and tells the doctor a nurse is giving a patient a hand job in the room. The doctor explains the patient has a disorder whereby his seminal vesicles would rupture if not periodically drained. She says, "OK, I guess I understand." Further down the wing, she looks into another room and, in shock, complains to the doctor that a nurse is giving oral sex to a patient. The doctor replies, "Same disorder, better insurance."
