A black guy, an illegal alien, a muslim, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you Mr. President ? "
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Let's play a game. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, so long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and, one at a time, lays three 100-dollar bills on the bar and says slowly, "Paint ... my ... house."
Barrack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Nice. Can't it talk?" The parrot says, "Not without a teleprompter."
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?" 　 　 　 A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last one in the and does the same. The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!" 　 　 　 　 A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi. A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "(*)(*)(*)(*)! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor. In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel. "It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest. 　 　 　 　 　 A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer, and another, and another, etc., until finally the bartender asked him to leave. He walks out the side door, and a few seconds later, he walks in the front door, sits down, orders a drink, and the bartender asks him to leave. He gets up, walks out the side door, and comes back in the front door and is asked to leave. This happens about eight more times, and on the ninth, the man exclaims," How many bars do you work in, man?!?!?!?!　 　 　 A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What will be stranger?" The seal responded, "I'll have anything as long it is not a Canadian club." 　 　 　 So.... a baby seal walked into a club...
A Rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Cool! Where did you get that?" The parrot responds, "Brooklyn! They're everywhere!"
A husband walks in to find his blonde wife crying in front of the television. What's wrong he asks. It is a disaster she says, I just heard on the news, 2 Brazilian men have been killed in a plane crash. Well he says, that's a tragedy not a disaster. Why she says? How many is 2 Brazilian?
pay attention , dummy ... that's better ... With only minutes remaining , and with only 3 parachutes available , the President of the United States Barrak Obama strides to the chute rack , and majestically and regally puts the parachute on , and eloquently says " My fellow Americans , I may not have a second term , but I have to try , and must live , for the good of our Country ... and leaps out the door .. With 2 chutes left , Rush Limbaugh jumps up , and thug like brandishes a large microphone , dripping with venom , and straps the shute on , and says ' I'm the smartest man in the World , I have to live to enjoy my millions spreading BS every day ..... and leaps out the door ... With seconds remaining , the Priest looks over at the grungy homeless hippie , and says , ' My son , I've lived a good Life , and I'm ready to meet God , you put on that last parachute and save yourself ... The Hippie looks over at the Priest , and says ' Have a toke and let's split this scene , Padre . and grab that other chute ..... the smartest man in the world done grabbed my backpack and jumped out the plane .....
Firstly let me give this preface: My jokes may appear slightly prejudiced against blondes and this is understandable because some of them are. I do however have a couple of blonde friends (left) and I run each joke past them. If I get (*)(*)(*)(*)(*) slapped then I ditch the joke, otherwise I feel that the joke is so funny that they appreciate the humour, that or it is an intelligent one and they miss the point. anyway ..... A blonde was driving along a country road when something caught her eye. Now I need to describe the scene, it is a country road, miles from water, no dams, streams, rivers, lakes, just an empty field. In the centre of the field is a row boat, sitting in the row boat is another blonde. She is holding the oars by the blade end and trying desperately to row the boat. Our blonde pulls her car over to the side of the road, hops out, places her hands on her hips, takes a deep breath and exclaims. "OMG", "You stupid woman, you are going to give us blondes such a bad name." "I would come out and slap you except I can't swim"
For your blonde friends; You know why you never tell a blonde a knock, knock joke? They keep getting up to answer the door.
