A 7yr old and a 4yr old are upstairs in their bedroom. "I think it's time we started swearing," says the 7 year old. "When we go down for breakfast, I'll swear first then you." "OK" says 4yr old. Mom asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast "Guess I'll have some (*)(*)(*)(*) Coco Puffs." WHACK, he flew out his chair crying his eyes out. Mom looks at 4yr old and says sternly " And what do you want for breakfast?" " I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it wont be Coco Puffs!
Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool.....................so I gave him a cup of water!!!
Daddy, how was I born? 'Well, son, Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male."
Guy's car breaks down at a monastery. He knocks on the door and says, My car broke down. Could I stay the night? The monks feed him dinner and fix his car. As he falls asleep, he hears a strange sound like none he has ever heard. The next morning he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk". Disappointed, he thanks them and leaves. Years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and fix his car. That night he hears the same strange sound he heard before. The next morning he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man says I'm dying to know! OK, how do I become a monk? The monks say he must tell them how many blades of grass and how many pebbles of sand there are. When he finds these numbers, he will become a monk. Thirty-five years later, he returns and says, I devoted my life to finding what you asked for. There are 371,996,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,779,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on earth. The monks reply, Congratulations, you are now a monk. We shall show you the way to the sound. They lead him to a wooden door, and the head monk says the sound is behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks for the key. The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is a stone door. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is a sapphire door. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door. The man unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly amazing and unbelievable. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
How to make your day start out right.... 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it Barack Obama. 3. Send it to the recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your pc will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama. 6. Firmly click Yes. 7. Feel better? GOOD.
The Stock market is like a strapless bra, half the people are wondering what's holding it up.. Whereas, the other half are waiting for it to drop so they can grab the opportunity!!
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc, "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
