Alternative US News Headlines Keep up to date with real news from the US President Biden confirms he will run again for POTUS in 2024 if he doesn’t forget and advances in medical science can keep him alive until then. A Mr. Bernard Sanders from Vermont identifying as US politician is today recovering in hospital after putting his head in a bucket of water and breathing deeply to prove capitalism doesn’t work. Mr. Trump files a lawsuit against Joe Biden for allegedly stealing his idea about building a wall on the Mexican border. Police confirm they have now found missing 76-year old Mr. Trump in a swamp at the rear of the Manhattan Chase bank on Wall Street. Political analysts predict long exit queues at the Mexican and Canadian borders as Mr. Mike Pence identifying as The Angel Michael says he will run as an independent evangelical for POTUS in 2024.
It’s Liberal History Month Following the discovery of 150 genders and lost stone-age Amazon Forest tribes who it’s believed could enrich western culture, we celebrate Liberal History Month by testing your knowledge and present Krispy Bacon’s woke and inclusive Knowledge Quiz. In line with our equality mission statement, "I believe in nothing and am tolerant of everything", there are no right or wrong answers to avoid causing anyone offence. Pen and paper at the ready, no cheating and copying. You have two minutes … Begin! 1. Who said, "If I had a son he would look like Trayvon Martin?" a) Trayvon Martin’s father b) Barack Obama 2. If the votes for Trump in 2016 hadn’t been counted, would Hillary Clinton have won the election? a) Yes b) No 3. Mr. Trump was involved in the US 2016 elections. a) True b) False 4. Is ‘White Privilege’ a) A bank credit card b) A wish by white people living in tent cities 5. Who said: "Come unto me all ye who are woke and I will fill that empty space between your ears." a) Elmo on Sesame Street b) Martin Luther King c) Kris P. Bacon 6. Did Mr. Obama promise to: a) Feed his party rallies with five loaves and two fishes b) Spread his own wealth around c) Heal America 7. Who said: "Let’s be clear: Islam is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing to do whatsoever with terrorism." a) A peaceful and tolerant Muslim terrorist b) Hillary Clinton 8. Does staring at the ‘W’ key on a computer keyboard help prevent climate change? a) Yes b) No 9. What is Bernie Sanders famous for? a) His initials b) managing to survive 35 years out of the public purse c) His skate boarding skills 10. Are Joe Biden and Kamala Harris a) Hip Hop artists b) A famous American comedy duo Finally, can you help Mr. Obama out? Watch this one minute video and in no more than 20 words suggest a caption describing what he was going to say. Yes we can! This is how I healed America
Reliving the Alternative Headlines that Made History In the thread currently known as ‘the one with no replies’ probably because it’s not partisan and treats both political sides with equal contempt (now there’s equality for you), we take an illustrated walk down memory lane. Oh Happy Days 2008. Mr. Obama said, "I said hey babe, talk a walk on the wild side!" 2012. The Democrat National Congress urges manufacturers to put warning signs on packets of nuts that they may contain … nuts. The warnings follow a complaint after a liberal opened a packet of peanuts and found a pair of socks inside instead of the gold watch he was expecting. This follows the 2011 discovery that a floor is slippery when wet. 2016. Hillary Clinton (D) suffers an eye injury after her fight for POTUS against Donald Trump, in which he described her rants as "utter bo****ks." 2016. President Obama hosts this year’s African National Congress (ANC) in the White House. 2017. President Trump points to a bright star he says shone over his birthplace in 1946. Astrologers now say this was very likely the sun rising in the east. 2017. President Trump pardons Corn the 2017 Thanksgiving Turkey and made him a Foreign Relations advisor. Corn joined a long list of other turkeys in President Trump’s White House administration. 2018. Democrat politicians withdraw their support for the Occupy Movement after protestors realize they’ve been voting for the same millionaire capitalists they’re protesting about. 2020. Uproar as America discovers it has elected a Mafia crime boss posing as a Democrat.
This Weeks Hot off the Press Headlines Democrats change Biden’s political slogan to: "Keep you all aglow." This follows a lawsuit by Mr. Trump in which he accuses President Biden of stealing his "Build Back Better" border fence initiative. However, Japan accuses Mr. Biden of stealing their 2011 slogan after the Fukushima nuclear plant meltdown. President Biden makes Mr. Dick Head spokesperson for Internal Affairs in order to improve diversity quotas after complaints that crazies were under represented in the White House. This Week’s Other News Headlines US now confirms it was Russian troops who invaded Iraq in 2003 wearing NATO uniforms. President Putin has said Russia would consider it an act of war if US sanctions McDonald’s Triple Big Mac Cheeseburger. Ukraine authorities demand Russia return tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees who fled to Russia to get away from the Russians. Fears that Russia may be planning to invade Florida as twitter user says he saw an Eastern European looking tourist taking snapshots of a potential landing beach in Miami. Europe complains of a shortage of oil and gas after it sanctions imports of Russian oil and gas.
It’s Summer Competition Time Beginning with the stone-age liberal who put his finger in the fire believing it wouldn’t hurt, much to the consternation of his long suffering wife who shook her head and muttered, "I knew this would happen", we’ve evolved to Krispy’s forum competition for all the family. Blue or red, Antifa or Proud Boy, all welcome. Prizes to be won and a chance to gauge your own level of political knowledge against the best in nonsense the forum has to offer. Stay at home and join our fabulous "did I say that" competition. Remember, the dumber your post is the more chance you have of winning. Following complaints that liberals have an unfair advantage we’ve decided to ignore the complaints and press on. And so, without further ado and in at #3 … No it isn't. That is nonsense Doesn’t believe a former Soviet dissident who explains in detail how the European Union is modelled on the top down Soviet one, but believes there are 150 genders and men can get pregnant. Very popular opinions since the legalization of pot. I will remind that a deadly virus knows no political boundaries … A hysterical Covid oldie from March 2020 including "the Virus is killing people like crazy in Lombardy and in Piemont (Italy) …" On hindsight, how embarrassing, but always best to wait and see if it really was "killing people like crazy" rather than join in the media hysteria. Gosh, if this hadn’t been discovered we might have all caught a dose of flu! "Within the olfactory system, direct neuronal connections from and to the olfactory bulb encompass regions of the piriform cortex (the primary olfactory cortex), parahippocampal gyrus, entorhinal cortex and orbitofrontal areas." I mean, that’s obvious, but it doesn’t explain why "all 6,301 non-imaging phenotypes after false-discovery rate (FDR) or family-wise error (FWE) correction for multiple comparisons (lowest PFWE = 0.12, and no uncorrected P values survived FDR correction)." Gibberish at its best and well deserving at #2. Advertisement God, don’t you just hate those pop-up adverts. Where was I, oh yes … And in at #1 President Biden is the best president ever OK, everyone calm down now and you at the back get off the floor and pick your chair up. It’s not known if this piece of nonsense first appeared after President Biden suggested re-naming Pennsylvania Avenue to Sesame Street or whether it’s his favourite TV program. Yet it must rank among the 7th wonders of the world for its originality. The Prize Giving Award Ceremony Yes, I thought that would grab your attention. For the runners up, Krispy’s sing-along karaoke disc (lyrics included below). Best sung whilst playing the video. I’m just a liberal space cadet, The dumbest guy around. When Trump was voted president, I too screamed at the sky. But now I’m getting better, Krispy’s news did that. And now I know I’m very sure, I’m very sure, That Trump has got my vote in twenty four. My head wasn’t feeling very well, I’m aware of that by now. I tried to keep from going insane, As far as would allow. Both lost in space together, The President and I. But now we know we’re very sure, We’re very sure, We’d better all vote for Trump in twenty four. And now, what you’ve all been waiting for. Our #1 prize awarded to "President Biden is the best president ever." A designer liberal coffee mug made from real unbreakable plastic and exclusive to Kris P. Bacon’s headline news. Features include an open top to pour liquid into and a handle to hold it so you don’t burn your fingers when holding it. You won’t find this in any store and comes with a straw (not pictured) if you want to drink Kool-Aid from it. And that’s it for this week folks. Stay safe and take care not to bump into any male birth givers, or trip over mounds of Covid dead bodies.
This Week’s News Kool Edookation for Dey Liberal Minority *** EXCLUSIVE *** The sensational documentary taking America by storm Investigative journalism at its best as Krispy’s news takes you for a first time ever look behind the scenes at 2020 election night. Staring Joe Biden as Kermit the Frog and a full cast of Muppet liberals. “That’s what’s been missing from the show, that’s what’s needed, more dogs and frogs and bears and chickens and whatever. You’re not goanna watch the show, you’re goanna be in the show ….” - Joe Biden thank you speech to his supporters, 2020. Click to listen to his speech. Biden’s New Health Secretary Rescued from Bin Police rescued Rachel Levine, Joe Biden’s Assistant Health Secretary, from a bin after passers-by heard squealing coming from a large black bag. It is believed Ms. Levine was mistakenly thrown out as medical waste. Huge Rise in Passport Applications after ‘Kink Activist’ Accepts Nuclear Waste Post Krispy News congratulates non-binary gender fluid Sam Brinton, a ‘Kink activist’, who becomes deputy assistant secretary of spent fuel and waste disposition in the office of nuclear energy for the Department of Energy. ‘They’ Sam has previously worked for anti-nuclear waste and LGBTQI organizations. The White House has not yet confirmed the appointment. (You think I’m joking, don’t you). New Theme Song for 2023 DNC From our sources close to the White House, Krispy News is able to inform its readers that next year’s Democratic National Convention is to ditch its theme song ‘Happy days are here again’ for a new theme that’s more inclusive and diverse. Using our contacts, we’ve been able to get you a copy. Other News Joe Biden threatens to send San Francisco’s Gay Men’s Choir to Ukraine if Putin doesn’t immediately withdraw. White House denies that hot weather is due to high summer temperatures. Mr. Dick Head (D) denies rumours of a secret factory run by the liberal administration in Area 51 that is mass producing stupid people. Coming shortly, Western leaders condemn President Putin and he answers readers question live here on Krispy’s ‘Oh, I didn’t know that …’ news channel.
"Joe Biden threatens to send San Francisco’s Gay Men’s Choir to Ukraine if Putin doesn’t immediately withdraw." I think that's a bit extreme. Like some other former Soviet Republics, Ukraine appears to have two sections, a Russian-speaking one and a Ukrainian-speaking one in this case. After the USSR broke up Czechoslovakia split into two countries, and after the death of Tito Yugoslavia into a number of republics. And after Britain left, India split into the main Hindu part and Eastern and a Western Islamic parts. Putin's plan to divide the warring sections of Ukraine into the main one and Eastern Ukraine sounds like a pretty obvious solution.
It was either the San Francisco Gay Male Voice Choir or (gulp) Rambo. Sssh, but I hear he can defeat a whole army with a penknife and a piece of string. I saw it on TV. So far the Ukrainian army has avoided complete defeat by insisting on the Covid two meter social distancing rule, but once they’re all vaccinated God knows what will happen. Eventually, Russia will get its Eastern buffer zone against NATO, the current Ukraine cheer leaders will boast that he never conquered the whole of Ukraine, the west will get its cheap labour factory fodder from the millions heading west and everyone will be happy. That’s if we’re not all dead by then from the new Monkeypox virus.
In her book “Oh I didn’t know that …” a title she stole from Krispy News Channel by the way, she tried to pretend it was her mascara running, but I don’t think anyone believed her. Anyway, we put a curse on her that on the seventeenth night of the electoral moon she’d start breakdancing and fall downstairs and it’s where the black eye came from. Not a lot of people know that. Don’t forget to stay up to date with Kris P. Bacon’s news reports as next week we turn our attention to President Putin and the ongoing war in Ukraine.
This Week’s Russia v Ukraine News Feature Quote of the Week "I don’t believe anything I read in the mass media except the news" In this week’s extended edition of Kris P. Bacon’s ‘Oh, I didn’t know that …’ news channel, we report on the confrontation between Ukraine and Russia. A must read for all those who think Ukraine is located off the coast of Africa and didn’t know the Soviet Union collapsed 30 years ago. News, views and comments in your favourite weekly news magazine. Many thanks to @FatBack (permission to use name granted) who volunteered to put his life at risk to bring you up to date news from under a bed somewhere in Ukraine. Armed with only a Russian/English dictionary and a bottle of water (illustrated), our brave and unvaccinated reporter is what makes Krispy’s news unique and unbiased. Reporting From the Ukraine Front Lines "In a recent major offensive in the region of Kharkiv, Ukrainian forces took the village of Mala Rohan after the Russians returned to their billets for the night. Captured were a couple of left behind packets of biscuits and a broken water bottle which will be paraded on the main street (pictured) at the weekend as captured trophies if the Russians don’t come back. The success included the liberation of the local grocery store and the bus stop outside the closed down Soviet era tractor factory. Bus services are now said to have resumed. We asked the Russian military for their comments but were told, "Mala what? Never heard of it" -- FatBack, behind enemy lines in Ukraine, for Krispy’s News, July 2022. A local dog alerted by the commotion comes out to investigate Meanwhile, NATO commanders say a Ukrainian victory looks likely if they continue to advance backwards. An anonymous source close to NATO General Staff told Krispy’s news, "every time they fight they lose and so if they avoid fighting they don’t lose and if they don’t lose, they’ll eventually win. Stands to reason don’t it." We Ask our Readers for Their Comments Biden 2024 said: "Look at the 9000 civilians the Russians massacred at Mariupol. Just because they can’t find the bodies or anyone who knows anything about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. You don’t need evidence if you know they did it." One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest said: "Its summer and an estimated six million have gone west for their holidays. Wait till they come back and it will be different then." Dumb as a Rock said: "Nazi militias? There aren’t any. They changed the name to ‘freedom fighters’ but many died of Covid flu and the Russian forces are evacuating the rest to sheltered accommodation in Russia." President Putin is a Monster - Confirmed After extensive research across western social media sites, we can confirm that the UN have agreed that President Putin is indeed a monster and joins a list of other monsters who also abandoned the dollar. Libya’s Colonel Gaddafi and Iraq’s Saddam Hussein were unavailable for comment. Source: Twitter and Facebook users. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson agreed and said "although there is no evidence to support the claim, it is based on scientific fact." He went on to add "we’ve sent 500 troops to Poland with four trucks, one of which has a flat front tire but it’s only a slow puncture and two of those mortar thingies. That will jolly well show Putin we’re more than ready for him." Canada’s President Trudeau was even more scathing and so angry his glued on eyebrow fell off. "Of course he’s a monster. How he can make half the population of America vote for Trump and sleep soundly at night is beyond me." He added, "If the votes for Trump in 2016 hadn’t been counted, everyone knows Hillary Clinton would have been the clear winner." Speaking at a news conference in the US, President Biden told reporters that Putin cast a spell that caused him to forget what he was saying. "Only a monster could do that and I’d like to say that before I forget what I was saying", he added. Krispy’s Moscow News Desk Correspondent Man who says Ukraine is going to win the war says he was told by a potato in the shape of a crucifix which cried tears of blood. President Putin calls for Ukraine volunteer Mr. Ray Ban, owner of a pair of sun glasses left on a wall near Kherson, to come forward and claim them. After India and Turkey refused to buy outdated American military equipment, Russia has agreed it can be sent to Ukraine for re-cycling. After posing with his wife in a recent copy of Vogue fashion magazine while his troops battled on, President Zelensky proposes a new morale boosting slogan for what’s left of the Ukraine army. "We’re goanna win. Can feel it in my bones." Other News in Brief Hunter Biden tells Federal investigators, "I’ve no idea where that Ferrari stuffed with cash on my driveway came from." Twitter viral transsexual formerly Fred Smith and now Lucy (everybody look at me) Devine, fears she might be pregnant having missed two periods after a sex change. President Biden blames Trump for price increases in fuel and says it has nothing to do with him sanctioning a major oil and gas producer. President Putin Casts a Spell on America in the 2016 Elections President Putin denies he used the power of mind control to make Americans vote for Trump and say’s Biden’s election was the result of a hidden factory in America mass producing stupid people. Unbiased news is what makes us America’s favourite news source. As read by Mr. Trump who called it an "encyclopedia of knowledge" and referenced in Mr. Biden’s coming new manual for liberals, ‘Why carrots don’t grow on trees.’ Make Krispy’s alternative news channel your alternative weekly go-to for real news updates.
Correspondent FatBack here : After a long and arduous flight filled with airline peanuts and small bottles of liquor, Hillary and I stepped off a plane somewhere off the coast of South Africa..... We immediately came under sniper fire but Hillary knew what to do. As I sought cover behind a solid object she started posing.... In befuddlement I tried to grab her and get her beneath the line of fire..... But it turns out the muzzle flashes were actually the flashes of cameras. .... Something about never letting a photo op crisis go to waste. After the intense sniper fire, I hailed a cab and headed east to the front lines. I passed a lonely dog headed down this dilapidated road, to the inn where I was directed. It was somewhere just past the field where 9,000 bodies were buried. After finding my room and unpacking my bags, I heard incoming mortar fire so I dived underneath the bed to take cover again. Anyhow.... I'm still there taking cover reporting to you live from the front lines....
Live Commentary from the War Zone FatBack, Fatback, you’re breaking up, is that … [static] yes, we can hear you now. Listen, catch the number 46 bus back to the airport across the road from the old tractor factory. They run every hour. You’re going to have to leave Hillary behind, we can’t afford her ticket back, but she won’t mind as having spent time in California, she’ll be [sounds of gunfire] used to it. Have you seen any signs of a gay pride march or pregnant men? Fatback? [sound of glass breaking]. Yes, I can hear you now. The ‘Daily Woke’ here is claiming Russia forces are surrendering now Hillary’s turned up, is that true? Oh yes and before I forget, on your way to the bus stop, can you pop into the grocery store and get two cartons of milk and a jar of coffee to bring back? The US News desk has run out, again! Cheers.
