Tasteless Humor

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

 

My wife suffers from diabetes and hay fever.

I went to see her in hospital, took her a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers to cheer her up.

 

I had a vindaloo last night and this morning, my ass really stings.

I couldn't afford the bill and the chef bummed me.

 

PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY ALL PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT-- it's POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

(And it doesn't matter which country you're resident in!)

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today you voted’.

 

@Liberty Monkey did you know that Americans pray before they eat. Can you imagine praying 18 times a day!

(I'll get my coat)

 

I pray 18 times at least after I've eaten a vindaloo....

 

A British family in Syria claim they joined ISIS by accident while on holiday and are begging to come back.
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They must've flown with Ryanair, as they booked a break in Iceland.

 

My English workmate was reminiscing about his student days and the party games they used to play...."yeah.. we used to watch Withnail and I and every time they ordered a drink we had to drink the same..what a hoot..we were pished half way through the film"
I said.." yeah, we had a similar game here in Glasgow but we watched Trainspotting"

 

Shamima Begum says she wants to return to London so she can bring her baby up in peace and safety.
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I want her to stay where she is so I can bring mine up in peace and safety.

 

https://www.foxnews.com/us/texas-woman-accused-of-driving-drunk-crashing-into-police-vehicle

She was drunk and crashed into a police car, now that's the way to do it properly

 

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "gorilla removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then i'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let it go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"

 

Fun Fact - did you know that only 21% of Americans have been to university.....


....and shot someone.

(A Stewart Francis joke)

 

I got a new dog for my wife last week. Best trade I ever made.

 

In a nut shell, could someone please explain to me what brings on an anaphylactic shock.

 

yes, it's a biz... look up 'blow job bars'...

 

So, if I should wander in, then what happens?

 

Severe allergic reaction to a substance either consumed, breathed, or come in contact with. Different degrees of each.

 

https://www.foxnews.com/us/wisconsi...ed-awards-for-biggest-breasts-butt-at-banquet

I see no issues with this at all

 

Erm....er......thank you