An Aussie bloke Damian walks into the hardware store and says "I'd like some nails please mate". The store clerk replies "how long would you like them?" "Forever if that is ok with you" replies Damian.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit "what is your blood type?" The rabbit replied "I'm probably a type-o".
Can’t remember if this has been posted. Seniors Sex -- The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Secretary: Boss, I have two news, a good and a bad one. Let me start with the good one: you do not suffer from infertility.
Woman to the guy next door, flirtatious: - You look like my third husband... - How many of them did you have? - Two...
ALIENS VISIT EARTH. THEY COME IN PEACE AND SURPRISINGLY , THEY SPEAK ENGLISH. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?" "You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok". Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!" The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?" The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
A recent poll was taken in California asking people if they think illegal immigraton was a serious problem. 29% said "yes there is a serious problem".... but 71% said "no es una problema seriosa"
A sign at the theatre says: "Tonight, Herschel the Magnificent Jew - 8 o' clock". So the fella decides to go take in the show. At 8 o' clock, Herschel comes out in a dressing gown, takes it off and he is stark naked from head to foot. In between his legs is the biggest member you have ever seen. Herschel walks over to a table where there are 3 walnuts. He takes his member and he smashes each one in turn, to smithereens! The crowd go wild. 20 years later the fella is in the same city and he sees the same theatre and unbelievably, the same sign: "Tonight, Herschel the Magnificent Jew - 8 o' clock". So he decides he must see this again to see if it is really the same thing he saw 20 years ago. Sure enough, at 8 o' clock, Herschel comes out in a dressing gown, takes it off and he is stark naked from head to foot. In between his legs he still has the biggest member you have ever seen. Herschel walks over to a table where there are 3 coconuts. He takes his member and he smashes each one in turn, to smithereens! The crowd go wild again. Of course, the fella decides he must see Herschel after the show and when he meets him he says "Herschel, 20 years ago, I saw your act. It was amazing but it was with walnuts. 20 years on, it's coconuts; what changed?" and Herschel says... "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be!"
