Various Groups to Speak at Local Event

Numerous Organizations Gather Outside Downtown Library
As Reported by Acme News Journalist Ben Thompson

A few days ago, many local and nationwide organizations took their turns speaking out regarding many issues faced by modern day America. The first speaker was Bertha Cartwright, President of Overweight Women for Photoshop(OWP), who expressed her interest in creating a new tax in Bryan to fund purchasing multiple copies of Photoshop for overweight women who wish to alter their online pictures. “Sure, it’s a lot of hard work that goes into altering ones appearance, such as taking the time to learn Photoshop”, said Bertha in between bites of a McDonalds Triple Cheeseburger. She continued, “However, we wish to provide the tools necessary for all overweight women to affect positive change in their lives!”. The next speaker was Peter Puffer, the Vice President of Gay Republicans Against Gay Marriage(GRAGM), who unequivocally expressed his support for a Constitutional Amendment defining a marriage as being between one man and one woman. “Basically, we are tired of all these homosexuals running around trying to get the whole darned country to legalize gay marriage. Can you imagine what will happen if they succeed? All my fellow homosexual ‘friends with benefits’ will start pressuring me to marry them! Right now I don’t have to worry about that, because I can simply tell them, ‘Well, I’d like to settle down and marry you, but I’m afraid marriage between gays simply isn’t legal where I live, all apologies.” The next speaker at the podium was Billy Cosby, President and Co-Founder of Rapists Against Armed Victims(RAAV). He spoke eloquently about how the 2nd Amendment must be repealed, to protect the rights of rapists everywhere. When I asked him what made him feel so passionate about this issue, he explained to me how he tragically lost one of his testicles when a would be victim shot him in the groin with a .22 caliber handgun. He then began to cry as he recalled how the cold blooded woman didn’t even bother to stick around as he lay on the ground bleeding, and ignored his pleas for her to call 9-1-1. “There are some truly heartless people in this world”, he managed to say between sobs. It wasn’t long after that lifetime activist named Ala-Waki-Muhammad-Ali-ISIS, Vice President of Muslims Against Free Speech(MAFS) began to lament the tragedy that he claims is the First Amendment. As he explained, “Free Speech doesn’t mean you get to offend the Great Prophet. And, just to set the record straight, we are not opposed to all forms of speech, only those we disagree with. We will always support the right of citizens in every country to peacefully declare Jihad on non-Muslims”. Ali-ISIS’s brother, Muhammed Al-Queda nodded his head in agreement. Muhammed Al-Queda is the President of Peaceful Muslims Against Dull Blades(PMADB), an organization with lobbies for more government regulations regarding the sale of machetes and other weapons. He lamented the fact that most machetes that are available for purchase at stores do not come pre-sharpened. He stated he would like to see laws passed forcing the stores to sell the blades already sharpened, because as he stated, “it can take forever to behead a person with a dull blade, and those of us intent on spreading the Muslim faith don’t really have the spare time to sharper our own blades, in between gunning down infidels and strapping C4 to our beloved children.” Next up was Angina Everpissed, lifetime member of Mother Against Everything(MAE), who said “We are an organization that is opposed to everything that all of the other organizations with ‘Mothers Against’ in their name are against.” Then came Fredrick Smith, a member of Criminals Against Police Brutality(CAPB), who stated “We are sick and tired of the police tasing people and shooting people just because someone broke into a house and robbed or raped someone. What kind of society are we living in where you can’t even point a loaded gun at a cop without getting shot?” The last speaker was Al Gore, who had recently flown in on a large pollution spewing Jumbo Jet to advise of the dangers that Global Warming poses to us all.