**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:** Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance and therefore must not occur after 11pm and before 7am. Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment, including Eye Protection, to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory. Following last year's well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the "redness" of any part of Mr. Rudolph Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. Rudolf Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of such an offence. While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and where necessary, taxes and import duties paid as appropriate. This applies regardless of the individual -even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions. Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services and the Local Authority Safeguarding Board have been advised and will be fully investigating. The RSPCA are also seeking reassurance that no donkeys were harmed during this incident. Compliance of these guidelines is mandatory in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (but bear in mind this must be under 107 milligrams per 100 millilitres of urine or 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath if driving in UK, Wales & Northern Ireland). Regards, The Christmas Regulatory & Assessment Panel (CRAP)
True story - Quite a few years ago, mother and father used to make Christmas dinner and about 12 family members were there around the extended table. We were all pulling the crackers and reading the jokes out. When it got to me, I pretended to read the joke that said, "What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven? A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat". After the laughter died out, mother said, "Was that in there?". Her punchline was better than the joke.
