Question for gays

Have any members here who are gay ever had a straight sexual experience? If not then is it possible you could be straight or bi and not know it, but because your first and only sexual experiences were gay, you have nothing else to compare it to? I just find it hard to believe that people would feel gay immediately upon reaching puberty - did you start being attracted to the same sex immediately at puberty, or did your sexuality "alter" back and forth and eventually shift completely toward gay?

 

I have not. Some gay people have. Behavior (or the lack thereof) doesn't determine orientation.

Have you ever had a same-sex experience? I think it's only fair that you answer us in equal proportion.

If one hasn't had a same-sex experience, is it possible that person could be gay or bi and not know it, since they have no experiential basis for comparison?

If you're gay, trying straight sex won't change that. If you're straight, trying gay sex won't change that. Behavior and orientation are not this closely linked.

Did you feel 'straight' immediately upon reaching purberty?

None of the above. Same-sex attraction for many (myself included) begins well before the development of interests in sexual activities. I had "crushes" on other boys long before I knew anything about sexual behavior. I felt nothing similar toward girls.

What does change, is the realization that this attraction is what it means to be 'gay'. We're indoctrinated with a belief from early on that being 'gay' is all about people engaging in certain behaviors. Thus, I didn't associate my feelings of attraction with being 'gay' at first. It can be a rather long, long process of self-realization. It requires rejecting the notion we're raised with that gayness is only behavior.

I had no problem for a time simultaneously knowing that I was attracted almost exclusively to other males while also maintaining the idea in my head that it had nothing to do with being gay. The reasoning goes something along the lines of, "So long as I don't engage in the behavior, I can't be gay". Or, "Anal sex sounds nasty. I'm not interested in that, so I must not be gay." But I came to a point where I realized it was a bit silly to parse things this way, and so came to identify as gay before I started engaging in sexual behavior.

Some people can maintain the notion that not engaging in specific same-sex behaviors while indulging in others means they aren't gay. Others will 'reason' that so long as they don't take a passive role in sexual behavior, that they aren't really gay.

Which brings me to this point: Gay is really just an identifier, one associated with feelings of attraction and/or behavior. Some people embrace that identity before they begin engaging in behavior (as was the case for me). Others may only figure it out after they begin engaging in behavior, but it's not because the behavior 'made them gay'. They already had the experience of attraction, and their behavior merely fulfilled that. Some just don't want to be labeled at all, regardless of their orientation and behavior.

The bottom line: Experiencing same-sex attraction doesn't necessarily make one gay. Engaging in same-sex behavior doesn't make one gay. Taking the passive role in same-sex behavior doesn't make one gay. Being gay is the identifier we apply to the experience of attraction that is primarily oriented on persons of the same sex.

Such is my experience. I have no doubt that many will find similarities in their own experience, or that for some the manifestation of their orientation may differ significantly.

 

I sought that very thing throughout my teens. I DID have experiences as well. I was trying to 'fix' my 'gayness'.

It's a long and interesting story (I think), but I'll cut to the chase here:

When one is intimately expressing oneself to the opposite sex and excitement comes only when force (via mental gymnastics), they figure out very well (especially as a teen) that they aren't 'heterosexual'. I look back on it now, and realize I was going to experiment... but also that it was a waste of time overall.

For a long time, I wish that I would be turned-on to females; but sexually turned-on by them, I am not (and never really was).

I think I can address a distinction here:

I could have performed with likely most any woman sexually, especially in my teens when a single thought that was erotic to me, would make 'wood'. But that was NOT the same as being turned-on by the sight/touch or smell of a woman. Guys who are straight KNOW WELL what I'm talking about. I always chuckle inside now, when some dude at work goes BONKERS over what they 'seek' (breasts usually), and inside of me... it's like I looked at a 'pencil' or 'cloth'. There is nothing 'sexual' about that, except in how it is defined and/or experienced by other human beings. My cover for that (before DADT was repealed), was to learn to appreciate the literally artistic nature of most naked human bodies. I could comment honestly in very general terms, and most other men tended to accept that I was also 'affected' in some similar fashion as they were.

Comments like: "Yeah man!! She is 'beautiful' for sure. Wow." came in very handy, in a pinch. Really, I hated hiding my sexuality in the military... but you learn to be good at it.

I was attracted to guys, leading into puberty. Their bodies were just interesting and sensual to me. Now, a BI-sexual person may go through something else... but I remember what my thoughts and actual DREAMS were about. When I started having dreams about having sex with other boys... it freaked me out a bit. I know they felt good, but the 'religious' conflicts within me would take almost another 30 years to resolve. You see, I was surely a DEVOUT Christian, when I figured out I was also homosexual.

And while there are some who may have a miracle CHANGE (or fix) their sexual-orientation to fit what's considered by some to be 'biblical'... I know that being a Christian surely doesn't make one 'heterosexual'.

 

Have you had a gay experience? If not, why haven't you tried it? You could be gay and not know it. If you are having sex with the opposite sex, you have nothing to compare it to, so maybe you are gay and just don't know it yet...

 

Yes, so what I'm curious is, what causes 5% of the population to feel gay - because it is not purely genetic - there's an environmental factor, so why would 5% or so just immediately feel gay on reaching puberty?

 

Not everyone knows straightaway, once puberty hits.
Some know straightaway, once puberty hits.

The people that just immediately feel gay, feel gay for the same reason you just immediately felt straight.
What caused you to be straight? Can you explain that to us please?

 

The consensus is that homosexuality is caused by genetic AND environmental factors.

 

Yes. And your point?

 

They "feel" gay?

Research is continuing to looks for answers as we speak. It is true that no single gene for homosexuality has been discovered.

Many scientists are leaning toward genetic AND environmental factors. Considering that gays have been with us since the beginning... I'm sure the real reasons (when found) will be complex. There is no simple explanation for human sexuality.

You need to stop with the "feel" thing. And I've seen no stats claiming that 5% of people experience what you're claiming here.

 

I don't think you're looking for an honest answer to the questions you're asking. Most gay people I know tell me they had some form of attraction to the same sex long before reaching puberty. I just take them at their word. Why can't you?

 

Because gays are evil and sinister. (Didn't you know that?)

 

I had a lesbian sexual experience once. Turns out I am still straight. lol!

But it was interesting to say the least, just not for me. Perhaps you should try it sometime SpaceCricket. See if you're really gay or not.

 

I find it interesting to note that Spacecricket has not answered my logical question.

 

Because I've never felt like having sex with a man, that's why.

 

And I'm a man who has never felt like having sex with a woman. I don't see why this is hard to understand.

 

And a gay man has never felt like having sex with a woman. So your OP is easily answered, is it not?

 

I take it you didn't actually read my post, in which I stated that I experienced the attraction long before reaching puberty.

The honest answer as to why is that we don't know the exact mechanism that causes a small portion of the population to have a same-sex orientation. There are several theories, but we don't have enough information to reach a conclusion as to the cause. It's intriguing that some research has indicated that the brain structure of gay men shares certain features in common with straight women, while other features are like those of straight men. The difference is alleged to be so profound as to make it unlikely that it is the product of experiences after birth. There's also a theory called the Fraternal Birth Order effect. According to this theory, the mother's body has an immune response to certain antigens specific to males. It's theorized that her body tries to feminize the male fetus as a result, and can get better at it the more boys she bears, such that a woman bearing several boy children may end up having one of her younger sons turn out to be gay. This doesn't mean that gay men are all overtly effeminate; it simply means that the womb environment might affect development and possibly pre-dispose a child toward same-sex orientation.

But it bears repeating that we don't exactly know yet.

It just so happens that I'm the youngest of five children, with two older brothers. In tests that measure abilities typically excelled at by men, and those typically excelled at by women, I score above average on most, placing me squarely in the middle between "typically masculine" and "typically feminine".

 

being gay isn't only about sex. A homosexual could stay a virgin their entire life and still be gay.

they aren't really that much of a mystery, Spacecricket, they are just like anyone else; they grew up feeling the same feelings you feel, they just felt those feelings toward people of the same gender.

 

You should surely be able to realize that thousands of 'MEN' you've likely heard testimony from already in life... aren't lying, when they say that they aren't turned-on 'sexually' by women.

That seems to be one thing that certain straight guys either cannot or will not accept. They are so narrowly-focused upon their own perspective... that there is not even enough room for them to come around to that obvious reality.

I could rub NAKED up against a woman, with her breasts in my face... and unless I stimulated myself (using mental gymnastics), I'd not get an erection. I'm not repulsed by the appearance of a woman's anatomy... but I am not inclined to engage with that in any sensual manner. It is a turn-off, sexually speaking.

Now, what I just said above used to freak me out too as a teen... because everything I was 'taught', said that I wasn't supposed to be THAT way. Well, after living that way for awhile, you ask virtually ALL of the obvious questions, and land on "gay".

Maybe I should create and board-game called, "GAY!!" and sell it to Milton Bradley. You pick the situation with a card, roll some dice and move around the board. When you land on "GAY!" you start a new game. Great fun for the family, teaches kids all those things that straight parents never talk about.

 

they don't 'just immediately' feel gay....for most gay people, they knew or suspected from a much earlier age. Sexual attraction doesn't just appear in anyone.

 

Then you have your own answer already.

Sexual attraction begins long before the first sexual experience for the majority of people.

 

Exactly. It's not some 'instant' thing.

 

Have you ever had a homosexual experience?

Maybe you are gay or bi and don't even know it!

 

The way I've heard it, people in puberty who become gay tend to "swing" from one attraction to the other until it "pans out" gay. I was only ever attracted to women.

 

The way you've heard it? How many sources are you referencing here?

What you describe sounds more like someone who was closer to the midpoint of the spectrum than the pole, but whose orientation was still primarily toward the same sex. In other words, more gay than bisexual overall, but closer to being bisexual than the average gay person.

The point being, people have differing experiences. That you can find a person who says their attraction went back and forth in puberty doesn't negate the experiences of those whose attraction toward the same-sex began much earlier and did not vacillate.