The most offensive joke you know?

I thought this could be a thread to write some of the most offensive/shocking/unPC/insulting jokes you know. Unfortunately, whilst I'm not antisemitic at all, my most offensive jokes hit pretty hard at Jews - that's part of the shock value obviously. Dont get the wrong idea though.

Here's one to start off:
What's worse than thirteen babies nailed to one tree?
One baby nailed to thirteen trees

Now, here's my runner up offensive joke:
When God was writing his commandments, he needed to find a group of people to give them to.
So first he goes to some Arabs and he asks: "hey Arabs, do you want some commandments from me?"
The Arabs reply: "maybe, what are they like?"
God says: "Well, one says 'thou shalt not murder'."
The Arabs look at each other and say: "Nah, sorry we're gonna have to pass on that one."
So God keeps looking and he finds some Mexicans. He asks them the same question. They respond: "Hang on, what are we getting here?"
God says: "um... one of them is 'thou shalt not steal'." The Mexicans reply: "Sorry, cant do it."
So God moves on.
Eventually he finds some Americans and asks them if they would be interested in his commandments.
The Americans respond: "Depends what we get?"
God says: "'Thou shalt not take my name in vain' is one."
The Americans stomp their feet: "God(*)(*)(*)(*)it, cant take them."
While he's there he finds some African Americans. He asks them if they'd be interested in his commandments.
They respond: "What have they got?"
God explains: "Well one says, 'honour thy mother and father'."
The Africans Americans reply: "But we dont know our fathers, so that's useless."
So God walks away in disappointment once again.
Increasingly bewildered, God finds some French, and he asks: "Hey Frenchies, you want some of my commandments?"
They respond: "Possibly, what are they like?"
God says: "Well, one says 'thou shalt not commit adultery'."
The French start giggling: "You've got to be joking, we'll pass."
Well, God's nearly given up. What's the point looking anymore when humans are so faulty? But then he finds some Jews. He approaches them: "Excuse me, Jews, would you like some of my commandments?"
The Jews look around, then at each other. They talk amongst themselves then one of them asks God: "We're interested, but what's the cost?"
God replies: "Oh there is none, they're free."
The Jews respond: "We'll take Ten."

Now here's my most offensive joke:
I have to emphasize I'm not anti-Jewish and a Jewish guy actually told me this joke. Its purely for shock, so dont use it liberally unless you're looking for a punch...

How many Jews can you fit in a car? 54 = 2 in the front, two in the back and 50 in the ash tray.



Alright, so those are my most offensive jokes. Sorry if anyone was really offended, again its only a joke meant to shock, not part of any political opinion.

So, what are everyone's most shocking/insulting jokes?

 

A couple I have heard years ago (70s).

Why are Jews noses so big? Because air is free.

Why are blacks noses so big? Because that is how God held them while spray painting them.

Now a sexist joke.

A buddy went to his high school reunion and was going to meet a good friend at a restaurant.
The guy walks in and low and behold, he had turned into a woman.

The buddy is shocked but had some questions.

"Tell me, what hurt the most? You know, did getting the breast implants hurt the most?", asks the buddy.

"No"

"Well, did getting the wanger cut off hurt the most?"

"No"

"Dang, what hurt the most?", the buddy inquires.

"Well, it was when they opened up my skull and took out half my brains."

 

I suspect the thread will become a huge hit . Great idea , imo .
The last is one Frank Carson would have never dreamt of telling , but privately he would have said , "That's a Cracker "

 

I just hope I haven't underestimated how offensive the jokes on here might get. I'll just have to wait and see.

 

Wife?

Oh Yea,

That thing you screw on your bed and it does the housework.

 

This will be offensive to most men.

A woman needs two men, one to cook and one to clean.

 

True story.

A lady friend of mine and I were having a drink. A gay guy we knew sat down and asked, "What blinks on the top and screws on the bottom."

"What?", we asked.

He started batting his eyelashes.

 

Want to hear a joke? Women's rights.

True story.
A group of my friends were talking, and someone asked what was the most common black name. I chipped in and said Prisoner number 65.

 

Bwahahaha. Mang, that's bad.

 

But everyone was laughing.

 

Where can an abused woman go for help?

Back in the kitchen if she knows what is good for her.



What do you call a brunette standing between two blonds?

An interpreter.


I wonder why so many people died in Japan after the nuclear disaster after the tsunami. You would think they would be used to all that radiation by now.

 

A young hillbilly couple were having a little slowdown in their sex lives so the attactive young spouse decided to buy some crotchless panties.

When the young man came home he found his young wife spread eagle on their bed wearing only the crotchless panties.

" want some of this?", she says.

"Heck no" was his reply..."after seein what its done to them panties I don't want none of that!"

 

I cant belive im about to tell this joke.

Whats the hardest part about eating bald (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)?

Putting the diaper back on.

 

How do you stop 5 n*ggers from raping a white chick?

Throw them a basketball

-----

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.

-----

How do you make an Injun starve?

Hide his food stamps under his work boots.

-----

 

Again, back to the 70's.


Why were so many blacks killed during Vietnam?

Because when someone yelled "get down", they all jumped up and started dancing.

 

So we're having club elections in school one day, and being an almost an all girls club, only girls get elected in. So I say to the teacher who's running the club. "Guys, the males are an oppressed minority. I demand affirmative action."

She looks to me and says "Kranes, you're white and male, you're not an opprssed minority.

 

I don't get it.

 

Because only girls won all positions, I asked for AA. She says that we're not an oppressed minority.

 

But how's that an offensive joke?

 

In the Garden of Eden, Eve goes down to the river to wash up after having sex with Adam....A booming voice comes from above....(*)(*)(*)(*) it, now the fish are going to smell like that!!!!

 

It's offensive to the guys in the club.

 

So I'm in Spainish class, and we're doing a speaking activity. I was going away, and I needed someone to take care of my dog. My partner was Chinese. So he offered to take care of my dog. And I say, But you're Chinese, and I like my dog.

 

What's the difference between ET and a Yankee?
ET knows when it's time to go home.

 

This is a gross one I just remembered:

What's worse than a skinned baby?
A skinned baby rolling in salt.

 

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?