The most offensive joke you know?

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man.

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man.

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."

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A guy goes hunting and sees a huge bear. He takes aim and squeezes the trigger, but misses. The bear approaches the hunter, grabs him and (*)(*)(*)(*)s him before letting him go. But the hunter vows revenge. He goes out to the same spot the next day, sees the same bear, takes aim and fires. Again, he misses and again, the bear (*)(*)(*)(*)s him. The hunter borrows a friend’s rifle the next day. He heads out to his favourite spot and sees the bear again. He gets the bear in his sights, shoots and misses. So the bear says “You didn’t come here to hunt, did you?”

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Q: Why do you bang a goat on the edge of a cliff?

A: So the goat will push back.

 

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw the gas bill.

 

I think that political jokes are not allowed here. No one will be telling Hitler jokes 1000 years from now.

 

Do you really?

 

Disclaimer these jokes only apply to white Jesus, not the black or woman version.

What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: How does Jesus masturbate?

A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Now for the Catholics

1) What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.

2) A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

 

Nah, I think they will. Hitler jokes arent really political in the true sense of the word.

 

Why didn't the astronauts shower before blasting off?


They washed ashore.

 

Why didn't the astronauts shower before blasting off?


They washed ashore.

 

What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?

Ilene.

What do you call a Chinese woman with no arms and one leg?

Irene.

What do you call a woman with no arms and half legs?

Deneise.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs and no torso?




Muffy!


What do you call a man with no arms and half legs?


Neal


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no head?


Chester.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head and no torso?



Dick.

 

What do you throw a drowning Conservative?

His wife and kids.

You started it...

 

Advocating the murder of a woman and child doesn't make the liberal look good. It might be better phrased as "What would a liberal throw to a drowning conservative?" It suggests a complete lack of compassion, which is more often a conservative trait.

 

Pedos Prayer:

Dear God,
I see you have tempted me with yet another child, that I cannot resist;
But I thank you for this gift.
And I plead guilty.

 

Don't advocate the murder of a woman and child then.

No sense of humour in the most offensive joke you know thread. A common Con trick.

 

Gay Paris.

 

The most offensive yet unintentional joke I've seen lately was this...



http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/20/tech/social-media/nra-tweet-shooting/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Talk about bad timing.... lol

 

Bwahahahaha! That is funny.

 

It was just missing a comment about going to see the new Batman movie.

 

I didn't say that I didn't find it funny, only that it serves to paint both parties in a bad light. If I were going to paint myself a smart liberal, I wouldn't tell a joke like that. I'd probably reverse it? "You know what a typical conservative would throw if he saw a liberal drowning? yada yada yada." If you make yourself look stupid along with the subject, it loses the quality of being offensive.

 

Thank God for the hateful English who gave the French something useful to do with their lives.

 

Bonnie Prince Charlie, the French Revolution will look like a breeze compared to the Tarte Revolution.

 

Isn't surrendering a French career?

 

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Incorrect.

 

You DO remember that this is an offensive joke thread, right?

So not a career. A goal perhaps?

 

I felt the need to give a counter-joke for my gender

why did god create hemorrhoids?
So men would know what it is like to live with an irritating (*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*).

what does a deaf, blind, disabled kid get for christmas?
cancer