Little Fat Bald Dudes

Raskolnikov · Aug 22, 2011

LibertarianFTW said: ↑

There are little fat bald dudes in every atom. That's right -- they are a googol times smaller than an atom, and their appearance is very similar to George Costanza. These little fat bald dudes are the answer to life, the universe and everything. No, it's not 42.

Who created Earth? Little fat bald dudes.
Who created humanity? Little fat bald dudes.
Who created life? Little fat bald dudes.
Who created the sun? Little fat bald dudes.
Who created everything to the perfect design, sustaining our life in the most complex way? Little fat bald dudes.
Who created little fat bald dudes? Lit... shut up.

They actually created the universe and decide what happens to us all, including what happens to us after we die. That's right, after we die, we don't just die... we go somewhere else. Does your hearing go anywhere when you go deaf? No, don't be silly. Does your sight go anywhere when you go blind? No, again, don't be silly. Does your taste go somewhere when your taste goes away? Enough with the silliness! But the silliest thing of all would be to say that your consciousness doesn't go somewhere when you die! Geez!

Now, when you die, you can go to two places:
A.) You appear in a magical world where everything is la-de-da and just perfect
B.) You are smothered by fat bald dudes for eternity... except they're not little. They're HUGE! Those are the evil fat bald dudes. I don't want to get into the details... it's nasty. You are also constantly burning... it's like a cruel and painful death, but for eternity.

In order to respect little fat bald dudes and ensure that you go to place A, you must follow their rules:
1.) You have no other crazy theories about other types of little fat bald dudes or anything crazy like that
2.) Don't be worshiping anything except little fat bald dudes
3.) You can't say anything that little fat bald dudes may find disrespectful. For example, "Awe, little fat bald dude, I just stubbed my toe."
4.) Remember the day that little fat bald dudes took a breather and dedicate that day to doing nothing but bothering little fat bald dudes by trying to talk to them.
5.) Respect your parents. No, this is not just a scare tactic derived from parents to try to get their kids behaved. This is all real.
6.) Don't murder. You may ask why this is so far below all the other rules, such as how you should worship little fat bald dudes and little fat bald dudes only. That's a good question. A question that deserves an answer.
7.) Don't cheat on your wife, man.
8.) Don't steal.
9.) Don't lie to the cops, telling them your neighbor did something criminal when he really didn't. If it's anyone else, that's cool. Just not your neighbor.
10.) Don't be jealous of your neighbor's stuff or woman. Even if she's a freakin' Playboy model. If you think for one second that she's hot, you're going straight to hell. Jealousy is bad. That's why little fat bald dudes aren't jealous of anything. Except, you know, other little fat bald dudes and you saying anything that might be doubting them, etc.

If you don't follow these rules, you go to place B. Mahatma Gandhi, for example, was one of these people.

All the information above is in a book. A really old book, so it must be true. It was right next to the book on Greek Mythology and Humpty Dumpty. But this book is 100% true. How do I know? It says it right in the freakin' book! Ha.

Yes, in the same book, it says Earth is 6,000 years old.
Yes, in the same book, it says humans started as two and reproduced from there -- not explaining different races.
Yes, in the same book, it says two of every single animal fit into one boat.
But these are all metaphorical. The little fat bald dude stuff is 100% real.

How do I know the book is absolutely correct and all this information is true, despite the fact that other books say otherwise, you ask? Through scientific research? Through logical conclusions? No, you silly goose! It's not me who has to prove to you that little fat bald dudes exist, but you who has to prove to me that they don't exist. No proof, eh? Ha... I thought so.

Question: How does my logic above differ from any other religion?
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Heretic! The bald men usurped the true Lords! The men who wore striped shirts!

LibertarianFTW · Aug 22, 2011

Anobsitar said: ↑

Before the Law

Before the law sits a gatekeeper. To this gatekeeper comes a man from the country who asks to gain entry into the law. But the gatekeeper says that he cannot grant him entry at the moment. The man thinks about it and then asks if he will be allowed to come in sometime later on. “It is possible,” says the gatekeeper, “but not now.” The gate to the law stands open, as always, and the gatekeeper walks to the side, so the man bends over in order to see through the gate into the inside. When the gatekeeper notices that, he laughs and says: “If it tempts you so much, try going inside in spite of my prohibition. But take note. I am powerful. And I am only the most lowly gatekeeper. But from room to room stand gatekeepers, each more powerful than the other. I cannot endure even one glimpse of the third.” The man from the country has not expected such difficulties: the law should always be accessible for everyone, he thinks, but as he now looks more closely at the gatekeeper in his fur coat, at his large pointed nose and his long, thin, black Tartar’s beard, he decides that it would be better to wait until he gets permission to go inside. The gatekeeper gives him a stool and allows him to sit down at the side in front of the gate. There he sits for days and years. He makes many attempts to be let in, and he wears the gatekeeper out with his requests. The gatekeeper often interrogates him briefly, questioning him about his homeland and many other things, but they are indifferent questions, the kind great men put, and at the end he always tells him once more that he cannot let him inside yet. The man, who has equipped himself with many things for his journey, spends everything, no matter how valuable, to win over the gatekeeper. The latter takes it all but, as he does so, says, “I am taking this only so that you do not think you have failed to do anything.” During the many years the man observes the gatekeeper almost continuously. He forgets the other gatekeepers, and this first one seems to him the only obstacle for entry into the law. He curses the unlucky circumstance, in the first years thoughtlessly and out loud; later, as he grows old, he only mumbles to himself. He becomes childish and, since in the long years studying the gatekeeper he has also come to know the fleas in his fur collar, he even asks the fleas to help him persuade the gatekeeper. Finally his eyesight grows weak, and he does not know whether things are really darker around him or whether his eyes are merely deceiving him. But he recognizes now in the darkness an illumination which breaks inextinguishably out of the gateway to the law. Now he no longer has much time to live. Before his death he gathers in his head all his experiences of the entire time up into one question which he has not yet put to the gatekeeper. He waves to him, since he can no longer lift up his stiffening body. The gatekeeper has to bend way down to him, for the great difference has changed things considerably to the disadvantage of the man. “What do you still want to know now?” asks the gatekeeper. “You are insatiable.” “Everyone strives after the law,” says the man, “so how is it that in these many years no one except me has requested entry?” The gatekeeper sees that the man is already dying and, in order to reach his diminishing sense of hearing, he shouts at him, “Here no one else can gain entry, since this entrance was assigned only to you. I’m going now to close it.”

Franz Kaffka
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Completely irrelevant yet again...

Wolverine · Aug 22, 2011

The silence is deafening.

LibertarianFTW · Aug 22, 2011

Wolverine said: ↑

The silence is deafening.
Click to expand...

Three pages later and the only responses from the religion folks I've gotten is "and the sad part is you think you're clever" as well as random, irrelevant YouTube videos and biblical stories, etc. Usually, some type of argument forms. I thought it was going to be what you said -- popularity.

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Little Fat Bald Dudes

Raskolnikov Active Member

LibertarianFTW Well-Known Member

Wolverine New Member Past Donor

LibertarianFTW Well-Known Member

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Little Fat Bald Dudes

Raskolnikov Active Member

LibertarianFTW Well-Known Member

Wolverine New Member Past Donor

LibertarianFTW Well-Known Member

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