Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

So Jesus was doing a tour of Heaven with St. Peter.
Jesus told St. Peter "look, things are getting a bit crowded.
I want you to start checking stories, and only let the interesting ones through."
St. Pete, well, he was a company man ..........

Anyway, he goes down to the gates just as they are opening, and asks the first guy
"so, what happened to you? What's your story?"
"Well, you see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, and I raced home to catch them in the act.
We live on the 27th floor of this apartment building, and I was sure I could catch them. So I search the entire apartment, and darned if I can find the guy. Then, I spot his fingers on the balcony. I run over and stomp on them and the guy screams and sails down 27 floors, but he lands in a tree and doesn't die.
Well, this pisses me off so bad I grab the refrigerator and throw it out the window and it lands on the guy, but what with the exertion of lifting the refrigerator and throwing it out the window and all the excitement, well, I had a heart attack, and here I am."
St. Peter chuckles and tells the fellow to come on in.

The next guy says
"So I was doing my morning exercises but I got a bit overzealous, and rolled right off the balcony. But I managed to catch myself on this balcony on the 27th floor, and I was thinking what luck but then this madman comes screaming over and stomps on my fingers and I fall, but I hit a tree on the way down, so I didn't die, but then this refrigerator comes flying down and lands on top of me, and well, here I am."
St. Pete shakes his head and gives the guy permission to enter.

The third guy says
"So there I was, naked, sitting in a refrigerator ...............

 

Obama died.
Well, St. Peter met him at the gate to welcome him and give him the VIP tour, but had to tell him that there was some pressing business that needed to be dealt with, so if it was OK, would Obama mind just wandering about to, you know, get a feel for things, and St. Peter would catch up with him later.

So Obama wandered about and marveled that heaven was just like he'd been told; Lambs lying with Lions, and he even saw a group of people discussing politics and being civil about it. Heaven was indeed, well, heavenly.

Eventually he comes to a golf course and is amazed to see Trump and Moses. It seemed Moses was doing caddy duty for Trump. Obama could hear them talking, and Moses was telling Trump to not be silly, use his 7 Iron and take the safe shot around the pond, don't try to hit over it. Trump was saying it wasn't much of a shot, going over the pond and of course he was going for the long shot.

Trump grabs his 4 Iron and lets rip.
Of course, the ball lands in the middle of the pond. Well, Moses and Trump discuss things and eventually a grumbling Moses goes to part the waters and find Trump's ball.

At this point St. Peter catches up with Obama, and a stunned Obama says "I didn't know Trump died, what happened??!!??" Well, St. Peter takes a look, spots Trump and Moses arguing about the placement of the ball now that Moses has recovered it, and says;

"I can see your confusion, President Obama. But you have to understand, that isn't Trump playing golf with Moses, that's God. He just thinks he's Trump."

Now cmon. That's funny, no matter who you are.

 

I thought it would be nice if I made pancakes for Sunday breakfast for the neighbors.
They own a business you see and are very busy people.
But the nice officer told me next time I probably should make sure the neighbors don't mind me using their kitchen before I start cooking at 6 AM.

 

Sinead O'Connors cause of death has been revealed....

Choked on her dinner in a fancy restaurant...

 

BREAKING NEWS - Sinead O'Connor's funeral will be held in seven hours and 15 days

 

....

 

Are these song titles?
They are going over my head.

 

Gawd!

 

Who doesn't like nice tight rings?

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and can't speak.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed
that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in
court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

They're lines/lyrics out of Nothing Compares To You -