One Liners

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Green Man, May 14, 2023.

  1. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I read in Psychology today that in every group of friends, one is willing to commit murder. I suspected Tony, so I took him out before he could kill anyone.
     
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  2. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I have too much blood in my alcohol system.
     
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  3. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Whenever I run into difficulties in life, I look at the picture of my ex I keep in my wallet. I am comforted b the knowledge that if I could survive 15 years of marriage to this psychopath, whatever this problem is can't be that bad.
     
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  4. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I have a friend named Ian. He is a bad person. He wanted a son. When his daughter was born, he named her Lilian.
     
  5. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I met my wife on Tinder, that was awkward.
     
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  6. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    There's a new hobby called "Blindfold Plane watching", but I can't see it taking off.
     
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  7. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    The reason why Eskimos have so many words for snow, is that otherwise I spy would be ****.
     
  8. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Coworkers are like Christmas lights: half of them don't work and none of them are very bright.
     
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  9. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    When my wife told me we were getting a divorce, she said it was because I was too unamerican. I saw it coming a kilometre away.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2023
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  10. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I got a shock yesterday. I found out Albert Einstein was a real person. I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
     
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  11. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Why does it hurt when you bite your tongue accidentally, but not wen you bite your tongue on purpose? And why are you biting your tongue right now?
     
  12. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    I saw this old movie on TV last night that I thought was really good. It's called The Wizard of Oz. It's about a teenage girl who gets stranded in a foreign land where she kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three friends to kill again. - and she totally gets away with it.
     
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  13. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    A lot of people are shocked to find out that I'm a horrible electrician.
     
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  14. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    My ex-wife once told me that everything i said was stupid. I had nothing to say but "Mary."
     
  15. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    Did you hear about the latest in German engineering?

    It's a microwave that seats six.
     
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  16. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I worked at a pizza joint when I was a kid. One of our regulars was a Zen master. Every Friday he'd come in and say "Make me one with everything."
     
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  17. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I saw a guy dipping his testicles in glitter today and I thought, "That's pretty nuts".
     
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  18. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while
     
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  19. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    A Scotsman walks into an empty bar, because the Welshman, Englishman and Irishman were still at the World Cup
     
  20. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    May your beer be as cold as my ex-wife's heart.

    Stu Bidaso has mean parents.
    (say the name three times fast)

    My latest ex girlfriend and I broke up this morning. She's vegan. She used to make us kale, wheatgrass and almond milk smoothies each morning for breakfast. Today she found out I was spiking them with bacon bits.
     
  21. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    If I got a dollar for every time I was paranoid, I'd wonder who was paying me and why?
     
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  22. Just A Man

    Just A Man Well-Known Member

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    A good way to pass the time is to eat a clock.
     
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  23. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Not trying to brag, but I've been the same gender since birth.
     
  24. yardmeat

    yardmeat Well-Known Member

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    Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they slow down in school zones.
     
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  25. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I'm bisexual, but I don't tell anyone because it sounds a bit gay
     
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