One Liners

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Green Man, May 14, 2023.

  1. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    Anybody got any good one liners?

    I can start-

    A con man, a communist, and an old white man go into a bar- bartender says, "What'll you have Mr. president!"
     
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  2. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Just so we're clear, I have no problem With the LG HDTV Community
     
  3. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    My mate quit his job at BMW, and of course he gave no indication he was leaving.
     
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  4. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I hear that Dentists are going on strike, so brace yourselves
     
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  5. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday
     
  6. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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    How do you catch a unique rabbit?

    Unique up on it!

    How come pirates are so tough? Because they Agrrrr!
     
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  7. FatBack

    FatBack Well-Known Member

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    What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?

    58 !!!!

    Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
     
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  8. lemmiwinx

    lemmiwinx Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me a beer and a mop".
     
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  9. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    The wife told me the cat needed to be chipped, and despite only having a nine iron, I still got it over the shed.
     
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  10. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    If you want to know how many bees Noah had, check the ark hives.
     
  11. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    One of my earliest childhood memories is that once my uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, the sex became much better
     
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  12. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    How do you catch a tame rabbit?

    -Tame way.
     
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  13. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    The difference between a politician and a pirate is that a politician likes to argue and a pirate like to "Arrrgg!" you.
     
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  14. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    You were having sex with your uncle as a young child?

    Strangely that explains a lot.
     
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  15. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    th-4152814600.jpg
     
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  16. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    Now I sorta, kinda, maybe a little bit feel bad that I said that.

    Nah, who am I kidding. Someone yells HEY *******! I automatically look to see if they're talking to me.
     
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  17. impermanence

    impermanence Well-Known Member

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    A waiter walks up to a table of four Jewish couples and says, "Is anything Ok?"
     
  18. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    How does a carpenter order a round of two beers?

    He hold up the two fingers he still has, a ring finger and a pinky.

    ----------------------

    Want to see my impression of a duck?

    (Green Man raises arm and ducks down as if somebody threw something at him)
     
  19. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    random-shite-2023-02-09-59.jpg
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2023
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  20. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    DON'T DO IT!!!!!

    Care Bears are vicious. Once they go after someone it's lights out. I tried to save a niece once, she's no longer with us, and I'm missing two teeth and a finger.
     
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  21. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    I've heard that if you don't kill them outright, they have a sense of revenge that dwarfs the Count of Monte Cristo's. Twenty years down the line, it's had plastic surgery and you wake up to this:

    random-shite-2022-12-20-06.jpg
     
  22. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    When you are in bear country it's important to wear a bell and carry pepper spray. It also important to know what kind of bears are in the area. This can be told by looking at bear scat. Black bear scat has berries and fur in it. Grizzly bear scat has bells in it and smells like pepper.
     
  23. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Don't worry about learning the Fibonacci sequence, it's as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3...
     
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  24. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he'd had, and after he started counting, he fell asleep.
     
  25. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Rodney Dangerfield in an exchange with his audience ….

    Woman: Rodney, What’s easy money?
    Rodney: What’s easy money? The way you make it, honey.

    Man: How’s your sex life?
    Rodney: How’s my sex life? Why don’t you ask me something personal? My sex life … Are you kiddin’? Why at my age having sex is like shooting pool with a rope.
     
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