How to know your cat hates you: 1.) Own a cat. 2.) I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to accept it.
" Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson .......... I think my friend Bob is an alcoholic. I asked him why he drank so much. He said, "Because my wife is a bitch!" "What does she bitch about?", I asked. He says- "She bitches that I drink too much!"
I've grown bored with retirement. I've decided to hang my shingle as a sexual advisor. I'll bet I'm pretty good, too. My ex used to tell me "When I want your f**king advice I'll ask for it," all the time.
Note to self: Apparently, swallowing an Alka-Seltzer and writhing on the floor while attending my godson's christening is not as funny as I thought.
Yeah, that's pretty bad. That you got caught I mean. Now your godson is going to try to sneak a peeled egg into your mouth at your funeral.
I was pulled over one night while driving. The cop wanted to know where I was going. I told him I was going to a lecture on the evils of liquor, illicit substances and gambling. It was after midnight, so he asked who would give the lecture so late. "My wife," was my answer.
Does anyone else wonder if their bank looks through their account and thinks "WTF is this moron doing?"
When I was young and naive, I hoped something good would happen for me. Just lately my greatest hope is that there are no cameras on me.
My friend, Joe, just got done with the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.
Having AI write poetry and paint pretty pictures while humans do all the hard jobs for minimum wage is not how I saw the future working out.
Two lab rats are talking. One says “Are you going to get that vaccine?” The other says “What? They haven’t even finished the human trials yet!"
I don't celebrate my birthday. That's when all my troubles started. ............................................................................................................................... I like to start my day with a morning run. That way I'll know it can't get any worse.
Here you go, now you have pronouns He It You I They We Who Him Them Whoever Anyone Something Nobody Use them wisely.
My barman's my shepherd; I shall have a double. He maketh me to pass out in his dive bar; he giveth me the bowls of free popcorn. He mixeth drinks heavy: he feedeth me cheap booze for his tip's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of sobriety, I shall fear no hangover, for the barman is with me. His shot glass and stein, they comfort me. I take a deep swig in the presence of mine ex-wife: he anointeth my head with Dorito dust; my tab runneth over. Surely old scotch and young women shall follow me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell next door to his bar forever.
This morning I went to the tavern and asked the bartender for a beer, "Put it on my tab". He asks "How much money you got?" I checked my pockets and said "two cents". He says, "Put a penny on the bar". So I did. Then he points at the penny and asks, "Do you see a car?" "What?", I say. He says, "It's a Lincoln". He points at the penny again and asks, "Do you see a snake?" I peered at the penny and said "no?". "It's a copper head. Put your other penny on the bar". So I did. He asks "Do you smell anything", pointing at those pennies. "No?", I said. He says "it's the scent". "Do you see any fruit?" He asks. Now I was catching on! Two pennies! I says "It's a pair!" "Right!" He says. He points at the two cents again. "Do you see any beer?" I looked down at the pennies. He says "You aren't going to with two cents!"
With all the travel by personal plane to courts in New York, Florida, DC, and now soon to Ohio T**** is adding horribly to global warming gasses.
