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One Liners

Discussion in 'Humor & Satire' started by Green Man, May 14, 2023.

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  1. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    My friend said to me, "My kid refuses to eat fish. Any recommendations on a replacement?"

    I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 11, 2023
    #51
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  2. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Today I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much.

    It scared the hell out of me, so ...

    I'm never reading that again.
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 11, 2023
    #52
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  3. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    My wife accused me of being immature.

    I told her to get out of my fort.
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 11, 2023
    #53
  4. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Rodney Dangerfield:

    I never had any luck with women. One time I was supposed to go on a blind date. So I walked to the corner, and there was an attractive young lady standing there.

    I said, “Are you Laverne?”

    She said, “Are you Rodney?”

    I said, “Yeah!”

    She said, “I’m not Laverne.”
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 11, 2023
    #54
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  5. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Dangerfield:

    “I told my kid, It’s not easy being a parent. Someday you’ll understand. Someday you’ll have kids of your own.

    He said, Yeah, and someday maybe you’ll have kids of your own too!”
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 11, 2023
    #55
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  6. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    What journal?
     
    StillBlue, Jun 11, 2023
    #56
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  7. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    I got an idea for a reality show - Naked and Afraid, Streets of NYC.
     
    Green Man, Jun 11, 2023
    #57
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  8. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    LMAO!
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 11, 2023
    #58
  9. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Going to the gym gives you energy. But you burn energy at the gym. Seems like a Ponzi scheme to me.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jun 26, 2023
    #59
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  10. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    How to tell you're ready for middle age:
    Queso and margaritas taste better than being skinny feels.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jun 26, 2023
    #60
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  11. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    My dog: You are my reason for being. I will gratify your slightest whim.
    Me: Give me the ball.
    My dog: F**k off and die A**hole.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jun 26, 2023
    #61
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  12. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    There are lots of scam artists on the internet. Send me $19.95 to learn how to avoid them.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jun 28, 2023
    #62
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  13. StillBlue

    StillBlue Well-Known Member

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    HEY! You forgot to send me my receipt!
     
    StillBlue, Jun 29, 2023
    #63
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  14. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    What do you call two guys hanging from a window?

    Kurt and Rod
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 30, 2023
    #64
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  15. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I ran into a lamppost yesterday.

    Luckily I only had light injuries.
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 30, 2023
    #65
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  16. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but

    She figured out I was only after my money.
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 30, 2023
    #66
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  17. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Two men broke into a pharmacy and stole all the viagra. The police said to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 30, 2023
    #67
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  18. Seth Bullock

    Seth Bullock Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    Someone suggested I write a book.

    I thought that was a novel idea.

    Being an author is going to be a whole new chapter in my life!
     
    Seth Bullock, Jun 30, 2023
    #68
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  19. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    If dogs have such keen noses, why to they have to get so close to smell a butthole?
     
    Nonnie, Jun 30, 2023
    #69
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  20. Nonnie

    Nonnie Well-Known Member Past Donor

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    I haven't spoken to my girlfriend for 3 years, because I didn't want to interrupt her.
     
    Nonnie, Jul 1, 2023
    #70
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  21. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Beer is made from hops.
    Hops is a plant.
    Salads are made from plants.
    Beer is a salad, QED.

    You're welcome.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jul 6, 2023
    #71
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  22. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    The Institute of unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jul 6, 2023
    #72
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  23. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    If pigs could fly, imagine how good the wings would taste.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jul 8, 2023
    #73
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  24. Imnotreallyhere

    Imnotreallyhere Well-Known Member Donor

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    Sing like no one is listening.
    Dance like no one is watching.
    Poop like no one can smell it.
     
    Imnotreallyhere, Jul 8, 2023
    #74
  25. Green Man

    Green Man Banned

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    If I use the self check-out at China-mart for I get the employee discount?
     
    Green Man, Jul 8, 2023
    #75
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