Tasteless Humor 3, Lord How Many More?

What are the 5 different sizes of a penis?

1. Small.
2. Medium.
3. Large.
4. Oh my God!
5. Holy ****! Does that come in white?

 

HEY HEY HEY now enough of that! Black guys are show-ers and not growers.

So I was talking with a buddy about this cute young engineer who was my assistant for 18 months. She was very very smart and dedicated, we worked extremely well together, and grew very close over that time. And... she was freaking cute with her hot little athletic body... I said I loved her like a sister...I'd like to fck. LOL!

 

I offer, for your consideration..



Bat fried rice...

 

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

 

Mrs. BB asked me why I kept calling our newborn a miracle saying that creating life is natural, and frankly, really not all that special.

Then I told her I had had a vasectomy done secretly 3 years ago.

 

She’ll get you for that one.

 

Nah, she left me. She said she heard I was a pedophile. I miss her, but I am impressed that she used such a big word for a 12 year old.

 

You’re certainly in the right thread.

 

Wow.....Only in Florida...You will not believe what just happened.. I walked up to Wawa to grab something to drink and pay for my gas. When I walked up I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the Two cops right there?!" But anyway, I went in and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming.. I looked outside and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around going crazy! I ran outside and the Police had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!! YES, THEIR COFFEES!...
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the backseat of the cop car.....
I was thinking "OMG!! Sooooo dumb smoking while pumping!!" But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for.. The one cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

 

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

 

Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.

The first blonde says, "Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde says, "Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents."

"Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde says, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with his disciples, he was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified him on a cross. After he died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" says St. Peter.

But the blonde continues. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter."

 

My dad used to tell the story of my uncle screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs from the mensroom at a crowded pub due to this.

 

more ppl might like this if u tell em ur brittish

 

Your "uncle". Uh huh, sure, your uncle did this.

 

I prefer to hold them underwater

 

Just a heads-up that in the US a man calling a woman that is the equivalent of white calling a black the n-word. It's really inappropriate, and a fight will definitely ensue..

 

He’s just being provocative. It’s a bad word where he comes from too, worse if you call a man a c***.

 

It's worse to call a man that in the US too. Now a word to be really careful with is the Irish use of pecker. In the US only men have peckers and they're a bit south of the chin.

 

* plus Caitlyn Jenner

 

For most of my life, I was oblivious to the double meaning of “ keep your pecker up”.