One Liners

Larry the Cable Guy was in the middle of telling a story to his audience when a woman screamed out, “I love you, Larry!”

And without skipping a beat, Larry said,

“I told you to wait in the truck!”

 

The favorite drink of trees is root beer.

 

My friend is in the excavation business. He named his son Doug.

 

My friend said, "I don't understand how cloning works."

I said, "That makes two of us."

 

It’s not salad with chicken.

It’s breast in plants.

 

Hey guys, guess who I ran into on my way to the optician's office?

Everyone

 

Did you know that if you are a little chubby you can identify as being skinny? People who do are called trans-slenders.

 

I asked my friend what it was like living in China. He said,

"I can't complain."

 

A recent Gallup poll showed that 40% of Americans are for a border wall. 40% are against a border wall.

And 20% said, "No comprende".

 

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I just let her sleep in.

 

I went to college and got a degree in History. It was useless. There was no future in it.

 

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

 

Rodney Dangerfield was probably the latest king of the one liners!

My favorite joke of his - "I don't get no respect, even when I was an infant. When I was born, the doctor slapped my father!"

 

I’m so skinny! I’m so skinny I wear flippers in the shower so I don’t get sucked down the drain.

And my pajamas have only one stripe.

 

He also said, “When I was born, the doctor looked at my father and said, I did everything I could, but he pulled through anyway.”

And ….

“I was an ugly baby. Why when I was born my mother breast fed me through a straw.”

 

Yesterday I asked Alexa, "How do I turn you off?"

She said, "Walk around the room naked in front of me."

 

I asked Siri why I have so much trouble with women. Answer:

“My name ISN’T Siri! My name is Alexa!

 

Only a woman who has gone through childbirth without the use of an epidural can understand the pain a man goes through when he has a cold.

 

I have two unwritten rules.

1 ______, and

2 ______.

 

My wife has been missing for over a week now, and the police told me I should prepare for the worst.

So I called the Goodwill and asked if I could get all her clothes back.

 

I've been struggling lately to get my wife's attention. So I just sat down, got comfortable.

That did the trick.

 

Fact: Having too much sex in marriage can cause memory loss. I read it in a medical journal on Page 18, on October 21st, 2020. It was 5:13 pm, on a Wednesday. The temperature outside was 73 degrees that day.

 

My friend was bragging about his new hearing aid. He said, “State of the art. Cost me a fortune." I said, "Awesome! What type is it?”

He looked at his watch and said, “Two thirty.”

 

I joined the gym and asked my trainer what machine I should use to get beautiful girls.

He told me I should try the ATM machine outside.

 

An invisible man married an invisible woman.

Their kids were nothing to look at either.