The most offensive joke you know?

Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the brain and survived, proving that for Democrats the brain is not an essential organ.

 

Thanks for all the contributions people. This thread went way further than I thought it would.

 

hahhaha dman that's offensive.

 

Abortion jokes




Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You'll never know.




A fetus wakes up one morning only to realize he is in the process of being aborted. The fetus looks at the doctor and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The doctor turns to the mother and says, "Don't worry, not all of them are this stupid."




Why did the fetus cross the road?

Because they moved the dumpster.




Why must Jews and the unborn die?

Well if they did not take all our money we would not be having this conversation, would we?

 

I like the dumpster one. haha

 

I figured you would.

Sicko.

 

Why?

That's a bit harsh.

Hey, you like baby jokes?

What's worse than 13 babies nailed to a tree? One baby nailed to 13 trees.

What's worse than a skinned baby? A skinned baby, rolling in salt.

Enjoy.

 

Q. Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A. Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Jesus is coming, but he pulled out.

Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
A. It only takes 1 nail to hang a painting.

Jesus and Moses are sitting in heaven one day, bored out of their skulls. Moses Pipes up, "Hey Jesus, how about we go down and do some fishing?"
Jesus replies, "Sure!" and they head down to a beautiful mountain lake.
After casting lines for a while with no bites, Moses says, "Hey Jesus, why don't you walk out on the water to where the big ones are."
Jesus says "Sounds like a good idea," and proceeds to head out past the shore. He gets a few feet out and is knee deep.
Moses says "Why don't you try from the dock, at least there you've kind of got a start."
Jesus heads out from the dock, takes his first step and SPLASH! He's up to his neck in the water.
He clambers back to shore very disgruntled, and Moses says, "Why don't we take the boat out, and you can go from there?"
So they row out to the center of the lake where all the big fish are and Jesus takes a step out and falls to the bottom of the lake.
Moses parts the water and hauls Jesus back into the boat and says, "I know what the problem is! You didn't have those (*)(*)(*)(*)ed holes in your feet the last time!"

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

Osama bin Laden dies, and suddenly finds himself in Heaven. When he gets there he finds St. Peter at the gate, and invites him in so that he ccan be judged.
"Oh, but I can't enter Paradise until I meet Allah!"
So St. Peter says "Oh, he is upstairs, go on up and you can meet him."
So bin Laden goes upstairs, and there he meets Jesus. "Welcome to Heaven, please go inside so we can find the proper place for you."
But he once again demurs, saying he must meet Allah before he does anything else.
"Oh, that is good and proper, he is upstairs, on the top floor."
Osama thinks to himself "It is only fitting that Allah is on the top floor, he is the Greatest."
So bin Laden continues to the top floor, and there he meets Jehova. "Welcome my child, please come in."
bin Laden enters, and tells Jehova that he is waiting to meet Allah. "Oh, he is busy at the moment, would you like to sit and wait for him?"
Now bin Laden gets really excited, and thinks that is an excellent idea. After sitting down, Jehova asks him if he would like a glass of cold water to quench his thirst. "Oh yes sir, that sounds wonderful" bin Laden replies.
Jehova then yells out "Allah, bring us 2 glasses of water!"

I know I am going to burn in hell for the first jokes, and if the wrong people find me die in a bombing for the last one.

 

hahaha those are priceless. and extremely offensive.

 

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is a bunch of crap. There is nothing you could say that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She smiled and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."


A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

This made me giggle.

 

So I'm in bed with this chick and we've been laying there for some time, so I go: "Hey, are we gonna (*)(*)(*)(*) or what?" "You're being a bit presumptuous." She says. "Presumptuous? That's a big word for an 8 year old!"
....................................................................

Abortion - it brings out the kid in you...
.................................................................


Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
..............................................................................


What's black on top and white on bottom? Rape.
.............................................................................


I like my women how I like my scotch....
....twelve years old and mixed with coke.
.......................................................................


A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"


The last one wasn't really clever, but I laughed anyway

 

What's the best part about dating world of warcraft players?

They're always virgins.

 

In real life, I say Yellow when I met people. It's just something I grew up doing.

I met someone from Asia.

"Hello. It is nice to meet you." Says the Asian man.

"Yellow."

I lost the chance to make a friend that day.

 

What does GAY stand for?

Got Aids Yet?

 

i found Jesus in Illinois....






















he was hitching-hiking to Chicago with his wife, Maria, and kids, Juan and Tu....
















i felt bad for them, so i called ICE to give them a lift.

 

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin'. She's done been told twice.

 

There are only two sorts of idiots. There are the Americans who call themselves after a whole continent. And then there are the British who never call themselves after another.

 

I guess you have to add Australians to that first group.

 

Correct. But Europeans also belong to the second

 

What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the First Period.

How do you swat 200 flies at one time
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

What is the most positive thing in harlem?
HIV

What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the little (*)(*)(*)(*)er is still trying to back out of your driveway.

In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Two n!ggers jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?
Who gives a (*)(*)(*)(*)?

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
You know she'll swallow.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.

What do you call four Mexicans on the bottom of a pool?
Quatro Sinko

Why couldn't Ray Charles read?
He was black.

How do you blindfold a chinese person?
Dental floss.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumband blind girl?
Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

What was good about the million man march?
Only three people missed work.

How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool?
Flip it upside-down.

Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses?
There's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

What do 3 million battered women all have in common?
They don't (*)(*)(*)(*)ing listen.

What do you call a black priest?
Holy (*)(*)(*)(*)

Why are black peoples palms white?
Because there's a little bit of good in everyone!

What do gays call their balls?
"Mud flaps"

Whats long and hard on a black man?
The first grade.

Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come on a boys face until after hes thirteen.

 

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room at a doctor's office. They begin chatting about what gender they expect their child to be when it's born. The first woman says, "Well, I was on bottom, so I am sure to have a boy!" The second woman says, "Oh, I was on top, so I must be having a girl!" The third woman smiles and says. "I guess that means I'll be having a puppy!" The woman all begin laughing, when a fourth woman walks into the office, leaving a trail of blood behind her. The other three woman say in unison, "Miscarriage!"

 

What do you call hemorrhoids on a gay guy?

Speedbumps.

 

What's a Mexican women's worest nightmare?

Running out of Windex.

How do you destroy a Danish home?

Take off the lego bricks one by one.

What's the difference between a wig shop and a french women?

The wig shop has less hair.

 

Holy (*)(*)(*)(*). awesome.



What are ray charles and stevie wonder always smiling?

they don't know they're black