The most offensive joke you know?

Why do you never give a woman a watch for her birthday?
Because there's a clock on the stove


Why do women have shorter feet then men?
So they can stand closer to the sink


How does a man open a beer?
He doesn't, the b**ch better have it open already when she brings it


What's black and brown and looks good on a black guy?
A doberman pincer


Little Leroy runs to his mother one day and asks "mom, am I more black or more jewish?"
"I don't know son, you better ask your father about that" she says.
Little Leroy runs to his dad and asks "Dad, am I more black or more Jewish?"
"Why do you ask" asks his father
Leroy replies "Because Jimmy has a bicycle for sale and I didn't know whether to give him half price for it or steal it".

 

This is not nearly offensive enough, (*)(*)(*)(*) it. Let's try again.

"Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room at a doctor's office. They begin chatting about what gender they expect their child to be when it's born. The first woman says, "Well, I was on bottom, so I am sure to have a boy!" The second woman says, "Oh, I was on top, so I must be having a girl!" The third woman smiles and says. "I guess that means I'll be having a puppy!" The woman all begin laughing, when a fourth woman walks into the office, blood pouring down her thighs. Giggling, the three woman look at each other and say in unison, "Still-Birth!", and all four succumb to a full laughing fit, causing all to expel their fetuses. The receptionist looks to the four and says, "I guess you girls finally got it right!", and joins in on their laughing fit."

Yeah, much better, but somethings missing...OK, try this:

"The receptionist looks at the four fetuses, then says to the women, "I guess you girls finally got it right!", and joins the women in their laughing fit. The first woman exclaims, "Yeah, All right!", picks up her still-born...still attached to her uterus...slams it into the floor, and dances her victory dance. The second woman rips the umbilical cord out of herself and twirls it around herself as she joins the victory celebration. The third woman, not to be outdone, takes her still-born, and pushes it back into the room, exclaiming, "Get back in there, you little bastard!" The fourth woman, shocked says, "I can't top that!", high fives the third, and joins all of them in their dance."

OK, I think that'll do here lol

 

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room at a doctor's office. They begin chatting about what gender they expect their child to be when it's born. The first woman says, "Well, I was on bottom, so I am sure to have a boy!" The second woman says, "Oh, I was on top, so I must be having a girl!" The third woman smiles and says. "I guess that means I'll be having a puppy!"

The woman all begin laughing, when a fourth woman walks into the office, blood pouring down her thighs. Giggling, the three woman look at each other and say in unison, "Still-Birth!", and all four succumb to a full laughing fit, causing all to expel their fetuses.

The receptionist looks at the four fetuses, then says to the women, "I guess you girls finally got it right!", and joins the women in their laughing fit.

The first woman exclaims, "Yeah, All right!", picks up her still-born...still attached to her uterus...slams it into the floor, and dances her victory dance. The second woman rips out her umbilical cord and begins twirling it in the air, joining the victory celebration. The third woman, not to be outdone, takes her still-born, and pushes it back into the womb, exclaiming, "Get back in there, you little bastard!" The fourth woman, shocked says, "I can't top that!", high fives the third, and joins all of them in their dance.

OK, I think that'll do, lol

 

OFFENSIVE JOKE.

You've more than covered the "OFFENSIVE." What part was the joke?

 

Mitt Romney.

 

I meet someone who was disabled from the waist down. And I tried to comfort him.

"There there, it'll be alright."

"God (*)(*)(*)(*)it, I am sick and tired of everyone saying that. I won't stand for it anymore!"

"Technically you can't stand for it anymore."

"You're mean."

"Rubbing salt in the wound, chances are you can't get a boner, so think of it as like a third thing you'll never use."

 

Q. Your house is broken into. How do you know the burglar is Asian?

A. Your cat is missing, the math homework is done and he's still trying to back out of the driveway.

 

The bill.

 

[video=youtube;mow4SBYj5WE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mow4SBYj5WE[/video]

 

Royal Dental Society.

no (*)(*)(*)(*)? there's a shocker.

 

You know what, if my son had done something like that I'd beat the crap of him myself.

Actually if I had a son, I'd beat the crap out of him myself no matter what.

 

How do you make a six year old cry twice? Wipe your bloody dick off on their teddy bear.

 

How do you starve a n!gger? Hide his foodstamps under his work work boots.

 

OK, I spoke with a few acquaintances over the phone last night and asked their opinion about my earlier joke, the one(s) with the pregnant women. I told them that there may be some issues with it and asked if there was anything I could do to remedy the situation.

The psychologist I talked to was of no help, she just kept insisting I see a doctor immediately. The doctor, ironically,insisted I call the psychologist back and make an appointment. The bastards just want my money, so I had no choice but to call a guy named "Iceman" (I don't know his given name). He's in prison, and they're not allowed to have cell phones, but he apparently found some kind of "loop hole", and had his held by some guy he called "Betty"' or "Hedei", so I'm guessing his friend is asian. Anyway, he suggested a couple of jokes to post here.

The first one is about a Finnish couple, Juurma & Juurda, They had recently married and were on their honeymoon. Juurda was very excited to finally be having sex, but it wasn't working out so well. Finally, after several minutes passed with no success, Juurma had had enough. She pushed Juurda off of her and angrily said, "If Juurpa had taken this long to find the right hole, I would never have gotten pregnant with you!"

Nothing? Really? OK, I'll let him know. Try this one then:

A man on vacation received a very distressing call that his mother had passed. He was able to make it in time to the funeral though, and everything was running smoothly until he had a short conversation with the priest in front of the casket. The priest had seen him crying, and wanted to console him. "She is with GOD now, my son", he said, "She is free from her pains and sufferings", he continued, "Rest assured she's in a better place now." With that last comment, the son had had enough. "A better place? Are you insane?" The priest, not wanting to upset the man, was about to walk away, saying, "Be at peace, my son". The son exploded in rage, "How can I be at peace when all this meat is going to waste?!!"

Still nothing? Really? I don't know what to say, Iceman is going to be so upset his jokes meant nothing to you. I just hope he doesn't take it out on Betty again (He was screaming in the background as Iceman retrieved his other cellphone, rather rude I must say). I just hate domestic violence.

He said if those two jokes don't make someone laugh, they should make an appointment with a doctor as soon as possible. Once they are there, they should tell the doc they think their funnyboner needs servicing. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds serious.

 

"Barack Obama is The President of The United State of America"

The most offensive joke I ever heard.

 

Sounds like neither of them want your money. Maybe they just want you to leave them alone.

 

I believe the correct term for your post is "Fail". That's OK, it happens to a lot of people. Just ask Juurda.

But fine, maybe you prefer "black" jokes? Yes?

So, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez had to change her name, after burning down yet another home. This time though, the guy didn't take it so well. What did she change it to, you ask? Lisa "Blue Eyes" Lopez. She was already black, so that was redundant.

(cymbal crash) Nothing? You may need to see the doc.

Just having fun.

 

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no, I never found her head.

 

Where's my duke ???

 

What do you call a one legged woman?

Eileen...

 

whats the difference between a black man and a bicycle ?


a bike doesnt sing ol man river when you tie it to a tree

 

Watch it man! I'll have you know that I have a black person in my family tree.




Seems Grampa forgot to cut him down.

 

Ha Ringo's got it!

 

What's the differnce between a black man and a bike?

You can hang the black man for no reason.

 

What do you call a one legged Chinese woman?

Irene.............