The most offensive joke you know?

How do you eat a vegetable?

First you got to get her out of the wheelchair.

 

Where do they work?

IHOP

 

Oh look, it's the advice dog.

Sicko. No doubt he is eating grass somewhere.

 

Do I win? What's my prize?

 

Why shouldn't women be werewolves?

Who would want them to turn into savage beasts twice a month.

Why shouldn't women be vampires?

They're just going to pee out the extra blood. It's wasteful.

 

OK, I'll try a PG version of offensive jokes...though to me it's like paying $20 to shake a hookers hand. That's really kind of obscene to me, but...

Two men were having a good time talking with each other, until they saw a local lawyer across the street begin to cross onto their side. Both men had turned away from the lawyer and were muttering about how they each had had unfortunate run-ins with this "blood-sucker" in the past, when they were suddenly surprised by the sounds of tires screeching behind them. They turned, just in time to see the lawyer land in a crumpled heap in the middle of the street, obviously dead. One man turns to the other and says, "It's a start."

 

Another PG offensive lawyer joke: I'm going to Hell for this one...it really fire's 'em up down there.......moving on:

Juan, a devout Catholic and mechanic by trade, had come to work early to start working on a client's car, which was reportedly leaking radiator fluid. Juan parked the car on the lift, lifted it up, and proceeded to crawl under the front to begin the repair. Unfortunately for Juan he failed to account for something, some of the fluid from the radiator wound up on the lift, causing the car's tires to slide forward and off the lift, crushing Juan underneath.

Juan awoke fourth in line at the Gates to Heaven. In front of him was the Pope, Mother Teresa, and a lawyer. Juan lamented the fact that the Pope had died as well, and that Mother Teresa had been apparently waiting so long in line, but that was not his place to say such things, so he did not speak up.

Saint Peter motions for the Pope to step through the Gate. There he is greeted by two angels who escort the Pope to a small dilapidated shack, near the edges of Heaven. Juan nods, and thinks to himself, "Yes, the Pope piety is well known, but his humble nature brings tears of joy to my eyes!", and he weeps silently, a smile on his face.

Saint Peter then motions for Mother Teresa, who's patience is rewarded by two angels leading her to a tiny, open-sided lean-to on the edges of Heaven. Juan nods once more, "Her piety is extraordinary!" He exclaims, catching the attention of the lawyer who is now next in line.

Saint Peter beckons to the lawyer, who, upon stepping through the Gate is swarmed by throngs of angels, all praising Heaven and Earth alike, Heaven itself appears to brighten, trumpets sound and cheers of joy and celebration are everywhere as a never-ending parade of angels join the group leading the lawyer to a mansion that stretches across the whole of Heaven, end to end, and into Eternity.

Juan is struck silent at first by the sight, but finds the courage to speak to Saint Peter, who is crying his own tears of joy at the sight. "Saint Peter!" he exclaims, to no avail. Juan clears his throat and speaks louder, "SAINT PETER!!!" finally catching the attention of the smiling Angel.

"Saint Peter!" he begins, "What is going on here?! I mean (makes the sign of the cross), not to be insolent, but...the Pope himself hath only earned a small dilapidated shack...and on the outskirts of Heaven, no less!" Saint Peter replies, "Yes, the Pope is a very humble man, indeed."

Nonplussed, Juan continues, "And Mother Teresa, she has waited in line so long, and hath only a leaking lean-to to sleep under!" To which Saint Peter replies, "Yes Juan, she is a very, very patient woman, and her piety is well known Here."

Dumbfounded at these answers, Juan continues, "But that man, he is a lawyer, yes?" To which Saint Peter replies, "Yes Juan, a great man indeed!", and turns back to the procession weeping once more.

Juan stares at the Angel for what seems like an eternity, and finally exclaims, "How is it that the Pope and Mother Teresa are treated in such a way, while a lawyer is treated to all of God's love?....How can this be!!!"

Saint Peter slowly turns to Juan, wipes his tears from his face, then replies, "Well Juan, if you stop and think for a minute you will see that we have dozens of Popes here, and thousands of patient people like Mother Teresa....but in all Eternity, we never thought we'd see a lawyer walk through those Gates!"

Saint Peter continues, "But, it's understandable, Juan, that you have such questions, considering that we wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had thought to wipe that lift off in the first place. Now then, step on through for your fig leaf...you're holding up the line."

 

OK, I've reworked an earlier joke to comply with the PG rules:

A councilor, part of a program rehabilitating prisoners, was confused with a recent conversation he had had with a very large black man known as "Iceman". He asked for some help from another councilor in deciphering it, as the information is required on the form he was filling out.

"What's the issue?", he was asked.
"I'm not quite sure what his cell mate's name is," he explained.

"Oh? What did he say, exactly?"
"Well, at first I thought his cell mate was a transsexual or something."

"Why?"
"Well, I asked about the rampant cell-phone smuggling issue in the prison, as required on the form, and he was very straightforward with me that his cell mate 'Betty" was holding on to a couple, but I wasn't allowed to ask the guy myself, Iceman wouldn't allow it and I didn't want to agitate him."

"I understand. You did the right thing. So what is the issue? Just write down 'Betty' then."
"Well, I had begun to, but then he said something immediately afterwards that really confused me."

"And what was that?"
"Well, he sounded confused himself, he said 'or Hedei', so I'm guessing he's Asian. I noted that on the form as a possibility."

"Well yes, that is odd, Perhaps you could simply put both names on the form?"
"I did actually, but now I have another concern, that for Betty's, or Heiei's, safety."

"Oh yes, please tell me what happened."
"Well it was rather rude actually. He apparently had a call to make and took Betty, or Hedei, around a corner, out of sight, and I heard the man scream something awful."

"Oh, how horrible!"
"Yeah, I know. I just hate domestic violence."

 

Dang it, I posted it too quick again, and can't edit it. I've highlighted a few changes that I made in bold (I won't re-post the entire thing):

"And what was that?"
"Well he sounded confused himself, he said 'He Betty, or Hidai', so I'm guessing he's Asian. I noted that on the form as a possibility.

Obviously the name "Hidai" was spelled wrong throughout, but in my defense I wrote it in about 45 minutes, and didn't do enough editing to tweak it enough. Dang it lol Another change might the cell mate's name afterwards as "Betty/Hidai". It sounds a bit awkward otherwise. Oh well.

 

I don't get the part about the fig leave. Does it make any sense?

 

Too subtle I guess, and yeah I was wondering that myself. I was going for the idea that the fig leaf was all the shelter Juan was gonna get in Heaven, especially after pissing off Saint Peter.

 

I'll try to rework this:

To this maybe?:

Saint Peter continues, "But, it's understandable, Juan, that you have such questions, considering that we wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had thought to wipe that lift off in the first place. And since you insist on questioning God's wisdom on this matter, God hath rewarded YOU with this fig leaf for you to live under. Now then, move along, you're holding up my line."

Better, I think...but feel free to improve it.

 

When ya gotta 'splain the joke. Trow it away! It barks.

 

Can't I just....slap them for being slow? <---really dumb retard joke

Ok, I'll toss this one.

 

I had the rare experience of seeing Rodney himself at Dangerfield's in NY one night. Many comics had performed and it was a good crowd. Then, late, some comics BOMBED! Rodney came on the stage and apologized for the bombs. He said he had new material upstairs that he'd like to try. I was not really a fan of his, thinking how hard is his "I don't get no respect," schtick? He would simply read a no respect joke off a sheet. Some were hilarious. Some not funny at all. Some got a pretty good laugh, but he'd say, "I did that one right, but that's all its got." and he'd toss it on the floor. But some that got no laugh he said, "There's a good joke here, I just have to do it right." Then he'd change his inflection and pausing but not a single word of the joke we just heard and didn't like. One joke he did 5 times, not a change in the words, but the 5th time he got it right and the place came unglued. Some, on the second or third attempt, we'd all laugh our asses off. I became a big fan that night, he really understood humor and DELIVERY.

 

Two monkeys and a black guy are sitting in a tree.
What do you call the black guy?









Branch Manager.

 

I love all kinds of jokes but can't tell one.

 

You don't tell a joke, you ACT a joke. That's why so many comedians get serious movie roles. they're good actors.

Like BE the character,,,,,,,BE the joke!

Like the "what do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene! While you're telling the joke you lean subtly to one side. Nothing overt, but your audience can read tiny body language messages. And you're looking at them, not away or head down.

 

Very good point. I'm doing something like that here. I'm modifying the older jokes for better effect, and asking people's opinions and also to do their own mods.

The thread is decent, and has quite a few excellent jokes, but it's obvious that just as many (or more) are pretty pathetic. At this point, most of the good jokes have dried up, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to improve some of the bad ones...and I started with my own lol

I understand how that looks...rather unimpressive and unprepared...but at this point that's about all we'll hear anyway, so I asked myself, "why not clean some of 'em up, make 'em better?"

That's all I'm really going for at this point. Though, if I come up with a good one, I'll take wayyyy more time getting it right before I post it. So, lesson learned.

 

What do you call a black guy sitting next to a barn?

Antique farm equipment.

 

A rich woman donates money to a hospital to build a new wing. After it built and operating and named after her, she tours the new wing. 1st floor fine, same with second. The first door they open on the 3rd floor has a man masturbating furiously sitting on his bed. "My God, What going on here?" Says the woman. The administrator explains that the man has a common but little talked about malady where he produces too much sperm. "If he didn't relive himself 3 or 4 times a day, his scrotum would explode!." The benefactor says she never heard of such a thing but accepts the situation.

The next room they open the door and a man is getting a blow job from a nurse. "Now What?" Scream the woman. "Same problem," Says the administrator. "But this man has private insurance, and the guy in the first room has obamacare!"

 

How do you fit four gay guys on a stool?

Turn it upside down.

 

This is the worse one I've heard yet... I mean this is bad... just wrong. But, since it's the 'most offensive joke' thread...

Q: What's the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

A: Getting a blow j from the baby.

Don't kill the messenger... I warned you!

 

A husband shopping center has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.

As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last
boyfriend but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 You are visitor number 123,456,789,012,345,678 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

 

What is the definition of "mass confusion"?

Fifty blind Lesbians at a fish market.